Below the Radar

This Connection is a Mystery

2012-02-13T06:31:00.003-05:00

I just read this article in the New York Magazine about Asian-American overachievers. Of particular interest to me in this article was the section on the "boot camp" for Asian men on the art of attraction. A company, called "The ABC's of Attraction," offers seminars for Asian men on how to better present themselves, and, to be blunt, how to pick up white women. As I read this section on why Asian men fail with white women, I was thinking "this could apply to me, I could benefit from this seminar!". Some of the adjectives used to describe Asian guys in the article (like poker faced ) I have heard applied to me in the past.

I am a white guy of Northern European descent. I have absolutely no connection to Asia. I have never traveled there. I have never studied any Asian language, culture or history. For the first thirty years of my life I had basically no connection with Asians. There were almost none in my high school or college classes, or in my first jobs.

So now as I look back over my almost ten year dating history as a gay man, there's absolutely no question that I've had the best dating/relationship success with Asian guys. That leaves me wondering why.

On top of this, there is so much discussion about Asian guys being undesirable in the gay world. So many profiles that say, "No Asians." That's not my view. In fact, I find myself sort of seeking out Asian guys because I my past good experience. Again, why the connection with me?

I don't consider myself a "rice queen" who will only date Asian guys and seeks them out to the exclusion of all others. I've certainly tried to date guys of other races.

The reality is that the reaction I usually get from Asian guys is very different than from other races. I'm speaking about the majority of my experiences here. Not every Asian guy reacts positively to me, just like not every guy of another race reacts negatively to me. Why do I seem to have this very quick connection with Asian guys? Why do they seem so comfortable with me? Why do they hug me so strongly and say "Rob you are such a nice guy" ? Why do they seem so "into me" in bed? This has happened repeatedly, there's a pattern here.

Am I attracted to the Asian look above all others? Not really. But I do think Asians tend to be a better personality match for me.

I guess what has me thinking about all this is the Asian guy I met two weeks ago. He was such a nice guy, and we clicked so well. I left feeling so happy that we'd met. If every time I met a guy it went this well I'd be ecstatic!

TE and I were chatting recently. "Rob, you'll find some 22 yo Asian guy soon and settle down. I just saw a couple like that today." He totally does not understand me. I don't want to talk to anyone who is younger than late 30's. The story of TE and I is another example....we clicked so quickly. He's 39 or 40.....I don't want to go much younger than that.

So this is another mystery. Why does this white American guy with zero connection to Asia seem to connect so well to Asian guys?

Speaking of Rejection

2012-02-12T06:42:00.004-05:00

Yesterday a 37 yo Middle Eastern guy messaged me on Grindr. He was about three miles away. He had no pic, but he wanted me to show a face pic. We chatted for a while and he finally showed his pic. Very good looking, muscular guy in a bathing suit standing next to a yacht. So I showed my face pic.

Poof. He's gone. His picture vanished. He blocked me.

No, "you're not my type," or, "thanks" then silence, or even a, "Need to clean my hamster cage right now." I'm not really upset because if that really was his picture he's out of my league anyway. I just thought it was harsh to just block me. Why can't gay guys be civil? I suppose the same thing happens with straight people.

I guess my smooth lean body gets me some initial attention. But the reality is I'm a nerdy numbers guy, and that just isn't cool.

Ten years ago when I was struggling with my sexuality, I ventured out by myself to a gay venue. I didn't get much attention. Some guys did check me out, but then walked past. I did attract the attention of one guy. He was an overweight bear with a full beard. He just stared at me. I thought he was going to start drooling. It was creepy. Not my type at all. I was so uncomfortable that I dashed out.

The other guys at this place seemed so good looking. I felt like I didn't fit it. I'm sure I looked nervous, and that's a turn off too. When I go out to the bar with George I feel more comfortable, but that doesn't happen very often. I do go out sometimes, but don't like going by myself.

If I did go to the bar I think I'd have trouble being the aggressor, the chaser. I'd probably just wait for someone to approach me. And then it would probably be the one guy I didn't want to approach me.

Married Men pt IV

2012-02-11T09:16:00.000-05:00

At what age do most people learn how to ride a bike? Six? What if you were 15 and just learning to ride a bike? Wouldn't that be uncomfortable? Maybe you'd be ridiculed by the other kids?

So suppose you're in your 40's and just discovering sex with men? You're not totally comfortable in a gay bar. You've never been to a bathhouse. Plain vanilla gay sex still leaves you in awe.

Some of the 100% gay guys I encounter are "hardcore." For lack of a better word. They've been gay for 20+ years. They are very experienced. They are way beyond vanilla gay sex. They don't understand why I'm not totally out. They seem shocked that I have kids. I'm not comfortable with them. And they look at me as a freak.

So when I meet a married guy who is around my age, we are in the largely the same place. We've been on a similar path in life. Most likely he has kids too. I can understand his situation. I respect his need for discretion. He needs an understanding ear to talk to, and that can be me. Both of us have limited time.

When he says, "let's go explore this gay bar or maybe Steamworks," I'm happy to have someone to do it with. I probably wouldn't do it by myself, nor would he. I'm not going to look at him like he's crazy if he asks things like that. But most likely he's not wanting to hang out at a gay bar because he also doesn't really feel like he fits into that scene, and that's where I am.

I guess it's just a matter of meeting the right person. I'm more open minded now about who I meet. I'm not looking to break up someone's marriage, but maybe it's going to happen with or without me. I just need someone I can identify with. I'm sure there are 100% gay guys I would click with too, but now I won't rule out the married guy either.

Is Anyone What They Appear to Be?

2012-02-09T23:00:00.000-05:00

I've been following a murder case on the national news for a few weeks now. A couple in their mid-50's lived in a wealthy suburb. She was a marketing executive. He was a real estate developer, president of the local Rotary Club and from a prominent family. Everything looked perfect.....until she was found dead in her Mercedes in a bad part of the city. Now he is under the microscope and we are finding out some really bad stuff. Not only does he have a girlfriend, but actually two, and they have a BDSM triad. He has an S&M dungeon in the basement of one of his commercial buildings. He was flying all over the country with his girlfriend or to meet other women into S&M.

My point here is that if any of us were put under a microscope might many of the things discovered be a surprise to a lot of people?

My elderly neighbor was telling me what a nice guy I am. No trouble. No women coming and going at all hours. If only she knew. Yes, no women coming and going.....but sometimes a guy in my bed.

Lots of people look to have a picture perfect life. In most cases we'll never know any different. In some rare cases, maybe the result of a police investigation or perhaps nasty divorce, do we learn the truth about what's really going on.

Maybe the accountant in the suburbs with a wife and two kids, or the lawyer whose wife looks like Charlize Theron......their lives look so perfect, but they are hooking up with guys on the side or going to an S&M club or whatever. Do you think most people have secrets like this in their lives?

DIY Porn Site

2012-02-07T21:58:00.000-05:00

Over the last couple months I've been exploring Tumblr, a social media site. It's hard to describe exactly what this site does. Basically, you can post pictures and videos you find around the internet. So guess what? People are posting collections of their favorite porn on tumblr. People do that on blogger too, but tumblr makes it very easy to collect pics from other sites and reblog.

When you look at these sites it like someone has carefully collected the best porn they could find on the net for their site. Of course what is "the best porn" is in the eye of the beholder.

Married Men pt III

2012-02-03T23:55:00.002-05:00

This week was crazy. It's the end of the month and we have a major management meeting on Monday. The preparation for these meetings is always painful. The week ended Friday night when one of my employees (a 31 yo guy, very gl btw) broke down crying and walked out. "Rob you can't make me work 14 hours a day." It had only been ten at that point and he rarely works more than 8-9 hours. So guess what I'm doing this weekend? I guess I pull the presentation together myself.

Ok, so coming back to my recent topic of married men. What am I looking for right now? Friends w/b would be great, but friends with someone I like works too. I don't have the time to put into a serious relationship right now, nor am I looking to move in with someone. Maybe the amount of time I have available would work with a married guy who is on a long leash. I get to know someone a bit before I meet them, so I can tell if we are on the same page before I even decide to meet them. Since I seem to be striking out with the 100% gay crowd, I guess I need to expand my horizons.

Why would I meet someone who, in all likelihood, will never pay off? That would be true if I dated someone for two years and then realized nothing was ever going to happen for us. Meeting a nice guy for coffee and making a new friend is a payoff for me. Maybe even making a friend with benefits is enough of a payoff for me....at least the expectations are known upfront. It's only an investment of a few hours.

Married Guys pt II

2012-02-02T22:28:00.000-05:00

A few things to clarify from my last post. My point was that I have more of an open mind to meeting married guys. There are the married guys who meet guys clandestinely and NOBODY knows they like cock. And then there are the married guys who are in a marriage of convenience, and it's a poorly kept secret that they play with guys. If a guy hasn't fucked his wife in years, or they don't even share a bed, that is like tacit permission to play. Guys have to get it somewhere.....women know that (I hope). If they are not putting out at home then the guy is likely to be getting it somewhere else. Some women don't want to risk their comfortable life by getting divorced. They realize that in the case of divorce 1 + 1 does not equal 2.

If you read my post carefully you'll notice that I said "most" or "tend to be" when I talked about married guys as more straight acting or stable. I realize generalizations are not 100%. I also know you are not supposed to generalize, but I'm a numbers guy who operates on the laws of probabilities. There will be data points more than two standard dev's from the mean, and I may miss them.

Most married guys I see online are over 35. You don't see too many married guys who are 30. So generally in the target age range.

So maybe I need to keep more of an open mind to meeting married guys.

Married Guys

2012-01-31T23:14:00.001-05:00

For years I have steered clear of married guys. I just didn't feel right about it. I didn't want to be a home wrecker. I didn't want to be pulled into the middle of divorce, or have an angry wife show up screaming at me. I saw a Manhunt profile recently that said across the bottom: "MARRIED GUYS: GET A SOUL." Several years ago I was discussing married guys with a fwb. His attitude was cock is cock....who cares if a guy is married. In my case I am more interested in making true friends (preferably wb). I'm not looking for one time anonymous NSA. It matters to me if a guy is married.

I like the fact that most married guys are straight acting. They tend to be stable guys with fairly sedate lives. I have a lot in common and can identify with them. One of the biggest problems with a married guy is their availability. I don't want some guy to show up at my house at 10am Saturday morning for a rushed fuck session, and then he dashes off to Home Depot to get the lightbulbs he told his wife he was going out for. I don't want to be sitting at home Friday night because my "bf" isn't available. It really depends how long of a leash a guy is on whether or not I'm interested.

I find that I'm not so interested in 100% gay guys. I'm not into the gay scene and the drama, and most gay guys don't understand my situation. Even though we all know that being a divorced gay guy is by far the best situation to be in.....guys flock to me. I just have to squeeze them into my schedule between being Mr. Mom and working.

Some married guys have some freedom. They can get away during the week. Maybe they can sometimes spend 24 hours or a weekend "being gay" before they return to the cocoon. That can work for me. My time to play is limited too.

I know one guy who dated a married guy for five years. He was the "other man." He had a part time relationship on his bf's terms for five years.....and the bf never left his wife in the end. I would want to see that the guy had a plan for an end game before it became serious.

Over the last few months I've actually met a few married guys. It's easy for me to identify with these guys...much more so than with 100% gay guys. Some of these guys are going crazy.....they need a trusted friend. Some are on a "long leash" and can fill more of what I need. The desire is powerful and it's not going away.....they're going to play with someone. Is it immoral?

Another Boring Fri Night.....Not

2012-01-28T12:49:00.000-05:00

It's Friday night and I'm sitting here, end of another long week, thinking it's going to be a boring night. TE told me to try out Jack'd, and I was playing around with that. Suddenly this sunset picture appears. It's a guy not far from me.....educated, professional, 40, 5'8, 155....oh, and he's Asian too. I decide to say hello and we chat for a while. He seems to be a really nice guy, and now I have arranged a date for tonight!

So we meet, and I feel like we clicked very quickly. He's cute, smart, and very funny. He is a headhunter from Asia. He travels the world finding brilliant Asian overachievers and he recruits them to come back to Asia to work for Asian companies. He told me that there is a "glass ceiling" for Asians at many western companies, and this is a key point he uses to lure candidates back to Asia.

He tells me more of his story. He's married with three kids. We had a good conversation on that subject too. He seems remarkably at ease about it. Some married guys are that way.

He wants to know about me. So I tell him my story. We have a lot in common. Basically I'm looking for him. The guy doesn't have to be Asian, but I seem to click with Asian guys for whatever reason. Asian-Irish connection? With every good guy I meet who I would want to date -- there is an issue. They're married, they live far away, they move far away, whatever. I can't seem to make the connection.

I really enjoyed spending time with this guy, and it was obvious he liked me too. He even gave me his business card. How often does someone from Grindr or Jack'd give you their business card? I take that as a sign he was really comfortable with me. So it was a fun night, but this is another guy who can be just a friend.

Just A Glance

2012-01-24T20:28:00.000-05:00

I must be totally naive. It took me a while to realize how big a deal it is to just glance at someone. People read a lot into it. Not that I go around staring at guys....that would be so obviously gay. In fact I'm very careful now. The guy who was pursuing me at the gym....it all started with an innocent glance. I haven't seen him in months btw. Another time I glanced at a guy at the gym, not so much because he was hot, but because he was just prancing around naked and I thought it was odd. When I went to pick up my gym bag there was a business card lying on top....from a male prostitute. He read a lot into that glance.

I have a new gym membership with multiple locations. This weekend I tried out a different location. Much younger crowd than my regular gym. Looking out over the gym from my treadmill on the mezzanine I spotted the hottest young muscular guy....Indian I think. He was doing this captain's chair abs exercise with his legs straight and parallel to the floor. Amazing. I can't do that. When I went to leave, he and his workout partner had the lockers right next to mine. I looked straight ahead. I didn't even want to sneak a glance. Just didn't feel right.

Some guys invite it. I don't linger naked in the locker room, but some guys do. They slowly dry themselves and do everything else before putting on the first clothes. It seems strange to me. I think some are trying to see who has an interest....who will look.

Sometimes I see guys looking at me, but rarely are they the guys I want to be looking at me. I turn away quickly and hope they get the message.

One of the gym locations is the "gay gym" in my city. Everyone tells me that, so I'm intrigued. It's in an area of the city that is very gay. Not that I would do something there, I'm just curious I guess. I drove by that place a few days ago. It's huge and brand new. Better than I expected. I may check it out soon.

Grindr Phobia

2012-01-23T22:50:00.000-05:00

I might be changing to an Android phone. That means I can have Grindr with me all the time instead of just my iPod. This is a little scary to me. Will I just constantly check Grindr all day and get no work done? Just what I need....another distraction.

Corporate America

2012-01-17T22:26:00.000-05:00

This article was published in Fortune over TWENTY years ago. It describes the issues that gays have working in corporate America. Have things changed that much in twenty years?

The study by a PhD student on coping strategies of gays in corporate America was of most interest to me. The three strategies are:

Counterfeiter - fabricate heterosexual identities, sometimes to the point of marriage.
Integrators -known to be gay. I suspect most of these guys would get picked up on anyone's gaydar.
Avoiders - the largest group -- simply avoid the question. If you think about it, you realize you know nothing about them.

As you move up in corporate America the socializing becomes more important. What if your boss and his wife invite you to dinner? You really can't not show to the company Christmas party. Who do you take to a charity event?

Be out and proud of it! Some will say that. Maybe not so easy. Read the quote in the Fortune article where one gay man describes bringing his partner to an executive conference. "When I bring my lover it's like the seas part when we walk into the room." Would it be that much different now?

This is becoming a problem for me too. How many times can you show up by yourself to social events? The reality for me is that I'm not even hiding anyone. I really am very single. I even have cover from being married and having kids. That actually might make it harder to suddenly come out. Not that I want to.

So I'm thinking about what to do.

How Long Would It Take...

2012-01-16T08:12:00.000-05:00

me to get abs like this? How many crunches? This guy is hot.

I Give Up

2012-01-15T10:25:00.000-05:00

I really hate to be a whiner. Especially when it's about the same thing.

For the past two weeks I've been working from 7/8 to 10 (that's pm) most days. And weekends too, but just during the day. My new boss is giving me more and more assignments. One of my staff is going through a divorce and mentally checked out right now....so more for me to do. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed again.

One of the worst feelings is when work is pulling you one way, and home is pulling you in another. When kids are being difficult and I'm wondering what they're up to, it adds another layer of stress. Then a call from the police. It all adds up to making everything hard to juggle....especially as a single parent. I was actually considering leaving my oldest in charge while I traveled for a few days.....forget it. My kids are great, but I need to BE THERE as a parent. Aren't kids supposed to get easier as they get older?

Coming back to my recent post on friends. Friday or Saturday night arrives, work turns off, It's a dead stop. It's empty. I want someone to do something with....and I don't have that person.

"You need to make a major change in your life. Quit your job," I expect to get that comment. I don't want to do that. I really like my job. I have to work close to twenty more years. I am however, going to take ALL my vacation this year.

Ok, enough whining.

If I Were Hairy.....

2012-01-09T19:55:00.001-05:00

This is how hairy I would want to be.

Friendships Pt I

2012-01-08T06:51:00.009-05:00

How often do you meet someone who checks all your boxes?

- Educated
- Professional
- Career oriented
- Employed with good income
- Can hold an interesting conversation
- Seemingly normal and sane
- Not into drugs or anything crazy
- Trustworthy
- Nice
- They seem to like you back!
- Etc....everyone has their own list

So when when you meet someone who checks all (or most) of the boxes shouldn't you put some effort into developing some kind of relationship? Perhaps it could be a LTR, but it could be just long term friends without benefits. I can be friends with someone without sex.

I realize that everyone doesn't click. I'm not going to be friends with everyone -- I know that. But I also realize that you have to put effort into maintaining friendships. A weekend together, lunch, dinner, a phone call, online chat, whatever. It's all about staying connected.

Years ago a friend (who I lost track of) shared some advice he got from his father: "If you die with five very close friends you will be far ahead of most people."

I think ahead to when I'm 50 years old, or 70 years old. I want to have this pool of long term friends I can rely on, hang out with, do things with, whatever.

Last year I met Lee. He checks many of my boxes. He's not going to become my boyfriend, he is looking for something different. But he is someone I'd like to keep as a friend. I tried to meet him for dinner in November, that didn't work out. If much more time goes on I may lose track of him.

In 2009 I was dating Kris. He moved away, but suggested that we meet for a weekend in Chicago or something. That never happened. I haven't talked to him for more than two years. He is someone I'd like to keep as a friend, I don't see him as a bf. He hasn't put any effort into keeping me as a friend. I tried somewhat. He is younger....maybe keeping friends is not important in his life yet.

George has put effort into keeping me as a friend. He calls me periodically for dinner. It's a pleasant surprise when he calls, and it's just fwob.

There are people who were in my life twenty years ago who I lost track of. I wish I hadn't. I didn't have a good college experience. I worked too much and didn't live at school. A period of time when many people make life long friends, and I missed out. Making up for lost time now I guess.

Gay Men Don't Get Fat

2012-01-07T09:53:00.000-05:00

The NYT published an article a few days ago about a book that just came out with this title. The book's 60 yo author, who is the Creative Director at Barney's NY, categorizes food in to gay food and straight food. His basic premise is that gay men are far more concerned about keeping fit and trim, and therefore much more careful of their diets.

I would agree with that. The book is really a satire, and not really a serious diet book. The message here is clear, and it's not new news. Gay men are looks obsessed. "Gay" and "Fat" just don't mix, it's like oil and water. If you want to get laid as a gay man, then you better take care of yourself. If someone studied obesity rates among straight and gay men, I'm sure the rate would be much lower among gay men than straight.

Some of us are obsessed with that last five or ten pounds. I guess there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't do something crazy. In fact it's a good thing to be at a healthy weight.

The reality is that it's important to look past an extra few pounds at the true person. The guy with the perfect body may not be the one you actually like spending time with. I know from experience that the best looking guys are not necessarily the best in bed. Unfortunately so many gay guys can't get past looks and initial impression.

Above the Upper Limit

2012-01-04T23:05:00.000-05:00

It's happened again. The holidays are over and I'm above my target weight. This time by 9 pounds. How did I let this happen again? Omg, obesity!

I've come to the conclusion that I will be on a diet for the rest of my life. It's easy to recover from 9 lbs, but it's important to get back in control when it's only 9 -- and not 25. It takes a little effort to drop 9 lbs. I prefer to just stay closer to my target weight and not have to do this.

My quantified life. I am entering my food intake into a computer program and increasing workouts. I will only weigh myself once a week on Sunday morning and record on my excel spreadsheet. All my workouts are recorded too. I'm establishing an upper control limit for my weight that will trigger action on my part. This is one case where there is no need for a lower control limit. Those statistical process control and Six Sigma classes I took are turning out to be good for something.

Am I weight obsessed? Maybe a little. Do I think that no one is going to like me because I'm a few pounds over my target weight? No, that's not it. I just feel more confident when I'm in shape. I also like my clothes to fit a little loosely.

Over the weekend I was watching the World Crossfit Games. These guys are in amazing shape. I want to dial back my running and do something more strength oriented. I'm going to try Crossfit.

In another development, I now have access to several other gyms.....including the "gay" gym in my city. More on that later.

Resolutions

2012-01-02T21:28:00.000-05:00

I'm not big on resolutions, but the beginning of the year is a good time to assess where you are in life and think about where you want to be. I need to think on this.

There are some obvious ones: spend, no, waste, less time on line. Use that time to win Nobel Prize.

Seriously, I am thinking about how I can be more productive (especially at work) and use the freed up time for something I'd enjoy. I need to get back to my log of things that bring happiness. That's gone on the back burner for a few months.

I need to take all my vacation this year. Taking less than two weeks has left me feeling a little burned out. Even from this ten day holiday break I don't feel recharged. I feel better, but not recharged.

I should meet more people. One reader pointed out that I only met one person this year and didn't really date anyone. Not true....Lee. But that was brief. The guy at the gym doesn't count. I haven't seen him in months btw.

More frequent change of scenery. I like to travel. I need to get out of town more. Just need to plan and make it happen.

Anyway, I need to think about this for a few days and come up with some ideas by this weekend.

Over Stimulated

2011-12-31T09:24:00.000-05:00

I'm in NYC this week.....and it's crazy here. The city is packed with people....sidewalks are jammed.....long lines everywhere. I was hoping things would be calmer when I got out of the corridor between CP South and Times Sq, but even in the West Village it's busy. Thirty minute wait times almost everywhere to be seated for lunch at 3pm?

I walked around the WTC site, Battery Park, Chinatown, Little Italy, West Village, NYU.....then walked from 32nd St through Times Sq back to CP South. I was cold.

I asked the front desk clerk why it's so crazy days before New Years Eve. "There's a bowl game between Ohio State and Rutgers on Friday." Then why are there so many people walking around with "I" on their red jerseys? Oh, it's really Iowa State in the bowl game. Ohio, Iowa....all the same. Flyover states.

It's an amazing city. So much to see and do. I have mixed feelings about whether I'd want to live here or not. Certainly you'd have to be in the top 1% to live comfortably here.

No time to check out the gay scene, but I did notice a few guys holding hands on the subway.....and this wasn't in the gay area.

I'll be back in a few months.....

Eric (no David) Resurfaces

2011-12-27T11:00:00.002-05:00

I need to run 100 miles, do 50 pushups, then 1000 crunches.....I promise I'll go to the gym everyday, really I will. Just save me from what I just saw......

You may remember me wrting about Eric....July 14, 2011; July 28, 2009; Aug 19, 2007 and April 17, 2009 with pic.

He's sort of like the 40 yo virgin.  I was the first guy he ever played with. We hung out for a while in 2007. The sex was elementary school, but look at the pic in 2009. Since then he has been playing this cat and mouse game with me. He answers my CL ads and pretends to be someone else. Annoying. A few months ago he IM'd me out of the blue to apologize and tell me he still wanted to be friends. We chatted online but never met then. About ten days ago he sent me just a single, "Hi." I don't know why I even bother with this guy. I'm sympathetic that he's struggling with accepting his sexuality, but it's a bit ridiculous that this has dragged on for more than four years. For some reason I sort of like him.

Anyway, I did agree to meet him again to talk. I hadn't seen him since Spring 2009.

Holy shit. WTF happened. I was shocked when I saw him.  He must have gained 40 lbs. You know those middle aged guys who have a basketball for a belly? How could he let himself go like this?   He looks terrible. He was getting chubby in 2009, but now it's out of control. I like to think I'm not a totally shallow asshole who judges people solely on appearance, but it does matter on some level.

What if he wants to be fwb again? Hmmmm. Not sure.

Now I'm not sure what to do. He needs gay friends....maybe I'll just leave it at that. He did tell me how awesome I am in bed (yes, thanks, I know that :)) ). So you know where this is going. One of the things my friends lean on me for is free psychotherapy...he needs to talk and this will be a fascinating case I'm sure. I've decided I am going to ask him what happened with the weight thing. Maybe I'll give him some weight loss advice too.

The other thing he admitted is that his real name is David. I told him I understood why he needed to use another name to keep from being outed....after all there are only four guys named David in the US. This just gives you an idea where this guy is in his life.

Anyway, right now I have trust issues with him because of all the childish crap he's pulled. I need to be able to trust my friends. They can trust me. I'm going to keep an open mind to being friends for now and see what happens.

Driving Traffic

2011-12-26T16:26:00.000-05:00

I think everyone who writes a blog wants people to actually read it. It's great when readers provide their perspectives on my postings through their comments. I'm always interested in what kinds of posts drive comments, and what kind don't. Some of my "philosophy of life" posts seem to get a mixed reception....sometimes they trigger comments, but sometimes I am surprised when a thoughtful post I worked hard on seems to elicit no interest. Posts on sex get the most interest. If all I did is told about sexual experiences (much of which would have to be fiction writing) there's no question I'd have ten times the readership and comments. But I'm not trying to run a porn site.

When I first started writing this blog I never thought I'd actually meet readers. I was open kimono....pretty open about describing my life, including sex life. Now some readers are asking to meet me, and I'm more discreet about some of that stuff. After all, I am a private INTJ.

I think I've lost 90% of my readers since I came out as Irish. Discrimination against the whitest of white people, you know. I do like getting the comments, so I am thinking of ways to rebuild readership. I'll watch the stats to see what's happening.

Happy Holidays!

2011-12-24T13:00:00.003-05:00

Give an "I" a Chance

2011-12-23T08:35:00.000-05:00

"I"'s can be good people, but it can take some work to get through to them. There's often a hard exterior shell that you need to break through. If you're willing to put the effort in to get past that, you can meet a very thoughtful and loyal friend who has his life together.

It takes some time for an "I" to warm up to people. So don't make a judgment on the first date. You may find the conversation flows better, the sense of humor emerges, and the "I" is far more comfortable on the second date.

The insights below may help an "I" understand how he is coming across. He can work to compensate some of these innate behaviors that may put some people off.

I've covered this before topic before (Jan 6, 2011). Here are some characteristics of INTJ's:

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel.

While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship).

To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand.

Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Can "I's" Attract?

2011-12-19T20:27:00.000-05:00

Can two introverted guys make a good couple? Can similars attract?

Or will they be bored with each other? Is an "E" necessary to keep the relationship exciting?

My theory is that the E may be too bored with the I (unless he is really hot) for the relationship to go anywhere.

While the I's may be boring as individuals, together they may do things that they would be too timid to do on their own. For example, the solo "I" may be to shy to go to gay clubs on his own, but with another guy (even though he's an I) he feels comfortable doing it. Or, where the "I" may be too cautious to do other things he is curious about, like go to Steamworks, he may find courage with another "I" as wing man.

No one right answer here. I think it depends on the individual guys.

What Are You Thinking?

2011-12-18T18:00:00.004-05:00

I was just watching an episode of 5Gays1Girl where they were talking about first dates. Ok, I admit it, I do watch that show sometimes. But only when Millionaire Matchmaker isn't on. Btw, there is this guy on that show named Gerry. I hadn't seen him before....but he caught my attention. Who knew red hair could look so good.....the hottest guy on that show I think.

Does anyone ever get "good" at first dates? It's a delicate dance of exploration and probing to see if you click. You want to exchange information, and learn about each other, but not make it seem like a job interview. It's important not to look too anxious, but I'm never totally as ease. I actually feel a little more comfortable when the other guy looks a bit anxious because I know it's not just me. We all know the intended end game for a gay first date. When it ends that way you know where you stand. When it doesn't, you're either confused or thinking it didn't work out.

I can be a little dense in communicating on a first date, and I'm not as forward as some guys. I have an unintended poker face sometimes. I'm waiting for the other guy to make the first move. If it's he makes it obvious he likes me, then I'm more comfortable opening up. But I'm shy about being the first to take the initiative.

I remember my first date with TE. We had drinks, dinner, talked for a long while, and then drove back to his hotel. At that point I felt like I had no idea where I was with him. Then he invites me up to his room. Now I know. We're not going there to make instant coffee and talk more. Right up to the end I was unsure what was going to happen....I guess I really am dense. Now I know where I stand with TE -- he has his hands all over me, and I don't really mind that. Ok, I sort of like it. No, I need to be honest, I do like it. TE is also an INTJ.....and he is way more aggressive than I am about getting what he wants.

Then there are first dates like I had with Kris. We met in the evening, had a little to eat, and then I was very surprised at how quickly he asked me to come back to his apartment. He basically tore my clothes off. That sure makes it easy for me.

I was recently on a first date where the guy kept asking me, "what are you thinking?" I don't know what I'm thinking. How do I answer that question? "I think you're cute and I want you naked tonight?" I'm not usually that forward. Maybe I need to consciously give out more signals. The thing is, I wasn't sure what he was thinking. He claimed to be a reformed INTJ, but still an "I". At the time I thought there were mixed signals. Interpreting signals and making real time decisions can be challenging. I do need to have a better answer to that question than just say nothing and shrug my shoulders. Maybe I do say "I think you're cute and I want to fuck you tonight" in a joking sort of way. But he'll know it's not really joking.

I learn something on every date.

So why not just tell, or give a stronger indication of what you're thinking? Worst case they say, "sorry I don't feel the same way." Not such a big deal I guess. Nobody likes rejection, but it is a part of dating. It becomes less of a big deal the more you date. It's going to happen sometimes....unless you're Gerry....no one would reject him.

What kind of signals to give? You don't want to intentionally give no signals, because that will probably be interpreted as negative. Reaching over and groping his crotch certainly gives a signal, but is probably going too far (unless you're really drunk).

Then there are dates like the ones I have with George. They leave me totally confused. We go to dinner....he insists on paying. The conversation all night is a graphic sexual one....so much so that I want to have us seated at a table in the far corner away from everyone else. He seems to like me. He is my type and he knows it. We always end the night at his favorite gay bar. But then we go back to his place, he gives me a hug in the parking lot, jumps out and runs inside. Nothing happens. I think we've had four or five dates like this. Maybe he enjoys toying with me and really does want to be "just friends"....I can do that I guess.

Seth Calls

2011-12-17T21:12:00.002-05:00

I went to my only holiday party last night. I was sort of dreading it because I'm going without a date, and it was a lot of couples, but it went ok. I had a good time. I actually sat near a gay couple and they were very funny. Glad that's over until next year.

This afternoon I had a long call with Seth.....2 1/2 hours. He is always fun to talk to. Sometimes he's so stupid it's hilarious to me. He told me about his brother's recent wedding.....lot's of family drama.

I told him I was getting my kids iPads for Christmas...."too bad you're still not my bf because I would have got you one too," I told him. "Right, you would have got me a book on the stock market, or maybe some coupons."

Then I filled him in on my adventures over the last week. He was very interested. He listens intently, and he always gives me his opinion. Anyway, I was telling him about my kids.....now they are here always.....and I don't even get enough of a break to jack off. He laughed hysterically.

Seth's recommendation to me is that I focus on work and making money exclusively during the next three years until my kids are in college. Don't even try to date anyone. Then once I am mostly back living by myself I can try to meet someone. I thought this was a joke, but he literally tells me these things so seriously.

We need to plan to meet in Europe this Spring.

+/- Fifteen

2011-12-14T22:31:00.000-05:00

One of the employees in my company was telling me about his plans to lose weight. He is obese. He meets the clinical definition of obesity as his BMI is slightly over 30. He now has a sense of urgency to lose the weight as I have implemented a new wellness policy whereby anyone with a BMI above 30 will pay an additional $80 per month for their medical benefits.

The fact is I think this guy is hot. He has the sexiest arms.

Even though I, and many others, obsess about our weight, does it really make that much difference? I am 160 right now, and that is five pounds over my target. Are people not going to like me because I have an extra five pounds? Would some other guy really turn me down for a hookup because I'm not at 155? Does five pounds make me any better or worse in bed?

Just trying to apply some reality to this.

Smile!

2011-12-13T20:28:00.000-05:00

A few years ago I was involved in a dispute over $25 million between my company and a couple of businessmen. This amount of money was a much bigger deal to these guys than my company. But unfortunately for them Rob was sitting second chair...so this battle became a protracted bloodsport. The guys had a prominent lawyer...Harvard trained litigator, vgl, forties.....and a total DILF. But what a serious guy....total poker faced, skilled negotiator. People in my company actually joked about this guy. Who would ever date this super serious guy who just didn't seem fun?

Well if it turned out he was gay, I would. He was hot. He was brilliant. And he and I together? Surely we'd be in the top 1%. Maybe even the top 0.75%.

Anyway, this morning a few of my staff were in my office explaining that they'd found a cost figure in our accounting that had been overestimated -- the fix added $120,000 to our bottom line. With three weeks to go, this is the kind of news I like hearing. I was distracted, scanning through their schedules, when one of them said said, "Hey we actually made him smile, we need to find more of these mistakes."

Then a few days ago I was having dinner with someone who knows me, but we had just met. Out of the blue, he said, "You really are INTJ!" Hmmmm.....

Is this the way I come across?

I certainly don't mean to. I really am a nice guy. That's what the people who really know me say....and I didn't even have to be drinking for them to say it.

I like my job. I wouldn't describe it as high conflict, but there is higher than average conflict. It's not a job where you make friends with everyone. Am I unable to decouple? Is my work persona poisoning my personal life?

Some of my former bosses and coworkers have actually been sent to charm school because people likened them to a human wire brush. No one has ever suggested that for me.

So I am contemplating these little comments. Part of me cares, part of me doesn't. I am who I am.....but I can always change a millimeter or two for the better.

Verdict

2011-12-12T23:05:00.001-05:00

It seems to be overwhelming. No sex = No more dates. I guess I'm not surprised. New strategy for me perhaps.

Now we know the truth. T and Jim met on gay.com. We know there was a kiss. Not sure what else. A best it was an "attempted" hookup. Maybe not fit for Hallmark after all....

_____________
Back in the office today after turning off work entirely for the last two days. It was a good weekend...not entirely uneventful.

So great to be back at work today. My new dotted line boss scheduled a 1 1/2 hour performance review with me for next week. I am so lucky! I just had a long performance review with my solid line boss a few months ago. Now a second one! Awesome! They really care about me!

Which Comes First?

2011-12-07T21:01:00.000-05:00

I was just reading TwoLive's posting about his dating experiences and the comments. It's interesting that some of the comments basically suggested ignoring the dating sites and going back to hookup sites. So what comes first in the typical gay relationship? Dating or sex?

I've written previously about wanting to know someone before I have sex with them, make a connection, etc.....you know the drill. I think I'm less successful now meeting new guys than I was in the past. I'm thinking back over the last few years. The situations where I had a date or two....but no sex, were less successful. The signs were there, I could have done it, but didn't. Blown off.

With many of the guys who I actually became friends with or subsequently dated.....the sex came quickly.....Hey, I have to be honest! I was discussing this with Seth last month. He is very opinionated.....he wants sex fairly quickly. Let's say you meet someone and click with them.....and then there is no sex on this first date. Might they assume that you don't like them? Let me be more direct in asking readers' opinions: Assuming you click on a first date, is ending with sex the norm?

Maybe Compatible Partners, Chemistry.com and Match.com are all bullshit....a waste of time. The real success can be found on Manhunt and the like?

Your dating rules have to match your values.....and "trying out" everyone I could meet on Manhunt doesn't match my values. But if I click with someone.....is getting naked for sex or just sex-lite on the first date so bad? No sex until monogamy for a gay man? Forget it. I just don't think it's realistic.

I welcome comments on this one.

P.S. Jim and T seems like a wholesome love story fit for even a Hallmark Movie....I'm curious, did that start as a hookup?

Choices

2011-11-29T20:03:00.000-05:00

A while ago I mentioned that I was wasting time watching Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo. I got a note from Middleman saying "STOP WATCHING THAT CRAP SHOW." (Dude, you're watching 5 Gays, 1 Girl, so don't talk) Ok, so I know it's a stupid show, but just like any book I read, there are a few little tidbits of good advice that can be gleaned from the show.

The number one thing I see Patty do for her clients is steer them to a person where there is actually real potential of something long term happening. These wealthy gay guys come on the show. They are 40's or later. They are not "all that" like they think. They describe the partner they're looking for and it's just ludicrous....always like a 20-something with pornstar looks and Phi Beta Kappa. She tells them, some younger guy is just not going to be attracted to you. I'm sure there will be exceptions, but the fact is she's probably right. She steers them to a more age appropriate match. There is going to be more in common.

So when I say "choices," I mean that I need to be steering myself towards guys where real potential exists. Sure, I could meet this 25 yo Arab guy, have sex, and then there would be a 98% probability that I wouldn't see him again. What would we even have in common? If I'm going to meet someone it should be someone I could actually make a lasting connection to.

Grindr

2011-11-29T00:20:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend I was playing around with Grindr on my iPod. I'm just using it on my home wireless network. I don't have an iPhone yet......still on the Blackberry and a year away from an upgrade. I've played around with Grindr before and then deleted it. There's now a competing product to Grindr called Scruff....and I played around with that too. There were a lot of guys around this weekend....including one hairy guy who was within 300 feet of my house. There were many guys within 3 miles.

One Arab guy kept messaging me....25 yo, hot, and two miles away....desperate to hookup now with mature guy. I passed. Need to make the right choices....more about that in another post.

This program is really addictive! I kept checking it all weekend....too many times. I felt like one of those people who can't break away from the front of a slot machine. Hope is addictive I guess. It's largely a waste of time, and probably would tempt me to do something I'd regret. One amusing thing that happened was an IM I got from an Asian guy. We started chatting and he quickly asked for a face pic....I didn't have one on there so he asked me to email it. Holy shit, it's George. He must be in my area, because he lives 35 miles away and wouldn't normally show up on Grindr for me. He had on sunglasses and a hat in his pic so I didn't immediately recognize him. I asked him some questions about what he likes, and he quickly answered. I didn't tell him it was me.....but I need to tease him next time we meet.

This weekend was super productive. Not only was I playing around with Grindr and Scruff, but I also discovered a new show called "Bad Sex." In this show a bunch of sexual deviants enroll in group and individual therapy led by a sex therapist. The struggles of one of the participants is profiled in each episode. The episode I saw was about a 35 yo gay man with a sex addiction. He had been with 1500 guys. He was constantly looking for sex. Riding the bus to work he looked around at all the guys and made eye contact with one of them. They got off at the same stop, went behind a bush and did it. Only in West Hollywood! It was actually a pretty scary show....this guy was just obsessed with sex and it interfered with everything in his life. The therapist eventually recommended a residential treatment program. Does it all start innocently with Grindr?

Healthy relationships and sex. How to make that happen?

2011-11-20T08:56:00.002-05:00

Friday morning when I arrived at work there was an email waiting for me....from Seth. He is with his family in Asia for two weeks. He just wanted to see if I got back to the US safely and suggest we talk when he gets back in early December.

Sometimes I get emails from him saying he was just feeling a little blue and wanted to talk with me. I feel good about the fact that he really values me as a friend.

This relationship is over long ago. I know that. He is never going to move back to the US. In fact, he is probably going to move back to Asia in a few years. He's too young for me anyway. We'll just be friends.

I just think back to when we were together. Holding on to him on a cold night. Waking up with him on a weekend morning. My fondest memories.

I'm Back

2011-11-19T16:25:00.001-05:00

I'm just back a few days ago from Germany. I arrived in Frankfurt on Friday morning, and took the high speed ICE train across the country, and then a regional train dropped me at the small village where Seth is now living. He was waiting for me at the train station and happy to see me. We went back to his flat....and the first thing I did was.....pull out my laptop, connect to the internet and join a webex conference for which I was 45 minutes late. So pathetic. More about this later.

When that was over I got a big hug from Seth. I had filled his shopping orders....so I unpacked the levis, fleece jacket, cologne, etc, that he asked me to get for him. He was excited to open all these things...like Christmas!

How can I describe his flat? Perfect order? I guess that's the best description. Super clean and everything in its place. By this time I was so tired, and he suggested we take a nap and then have dinner. We slept in his bed, but with separate comforters.

We had dinner in his village on Friday night. It was dead. The streets were empty at 8:30. Back at his place we talked for a while and went to bed. We fell asleep holding hands.

The next morning Seth awakened me with kiss on the forehead. It was already 10:30 and he had made scrambled eggs with tomato for breakfast.

After breakfast we took a thirty minute train ride to a historical city nearby. We just explored the city all day....climbing up to the fortress and walking along the river. We had dinner there and returned to his place about 9.

One thing about Seth, he tells me a lot about what is going on in his life....lots of details. Most of the conversation was about him...since I have not much excitement to tell. Again we were lying side by side in his bed talking for quite a while. In the course of conversation I told him I still really cared about him. That night he reached out for my hand and we fell asleep.

I need to find another Seth.....an older version.

Sunday morning he took me to the train station and my business trip began. I flew back on Friday.....and headed straight for the office....where I spent half of Saturday and all of Sunday.... to get ready for important meetings on Monday where I was the star presenter. What a life I have. Seth thinks that work runs my life.

It was a good visit and Seth was a great host.

Lunch Date

2011-10-29T13:54:00.000-04:00

I had a lunch date today with this 34 year old Asian guy. He was in an economics PhD program, but now doing something else. My kind of guy. He was nerdy for sure, but cute. I would bed him.

So we talked during lunch about the program he's in now. I tried to steer the conversation to different places, with mixed success. We talked for a few minutes outside after lunch. Being direct, I said "You interested?"

"I'll think about it," he replied.

That is a no in my book, but I'm not completely sure. Rarely will someone tell you to your face that they are not interested. So now what do I do? Just drop it and move on? This is a weak area for me. I need to get better at this. What do I do now to make something happen with this guy? I'm interested...he's either not or lukewarm.....how do I play this?

Sometimes some effort will tip the scale in your favor. I don't want to come across desperate, but I do want to continue to show my interest. I wish I was more in tune with the psychology of seduction...

Travel Plan

2011-10-23T14:34:00.001-04:00

I'm off to Germany in less than two weeks. TE wanted me to take an eight day trip to Morocco with him at the end of the business part of my trip. I can't leave my kids for two weeks. I don't have someone to watch them for that long. They certainly cannot stay by themselves. TE says he'll be glad when my kids are independent and taking off for two weeks is no issue. That's a few years away. So plans to meet him didn't work out. However I am going to see Seth for 36 hours. This time we are meeting in Stuttgart. He's already sent me his shopping list....Levi's again.

I'm looking forward to getting out of town for a week. But also disappointed that there is no way to do the Morocco trip with TE. That would have been fun. I feel like I can't do anything. Can't even schedule 24 hours in Chicago without something coming up in the way. Other people have the same problem....I'm not the only one.

Book Cover

2011-10-22T18:12:00.000-04:00

"Don't judge a book by its cover"

Remember that trite old adage from your mom?

This week I met a guy. Good looking professional. Well educated and living in an upscale suburb. After our conversation went on for a while he told me had to tell me one thing. He had to be upfront about something. He is HIV +. Wow, I never would have guessed that. This guy? Here's where I should scold myself. People with money can't have HIV? What kind of rule is that? I didn't ask how he got it, but we all know it only takes one slip up, probably in the heat of passion.

I'm guilty of stereo typing sometimes, and this is a reminder to me that I can't do that. You never really know about someone.

Getting Lean

2011-10-09T11:07:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been trying to balance my workout with more weight training and less cardio. I just want to be more toned....a bit more definition. I want to be able to meet some basic fitness goals, like 50 pushups and 10 (or more) pull ups. I'm at my target weight of 155, but I'm still not lean....like this guy. Notice the v-shaped definition lines between his upper legs and abdomen.....truly lean guys have that, and I don't. Getting rid of that last body fat in the abdomen is very difficult. I am going to keep up my routine though November and see where I am.

I do not want to lose any more weight. I want to change shape somewhat, but keep the weight stable. Maybe I'll step up the weight training even more. I like the running better...from a stress relieving perspective. I do feel better. My clothes fit well....and I should reward myself with more....I don't have 50 shirts yet like some people. I think that being in shape is beneficial to one's career. So I'm happy to have achieved this goal.

I Think My Son Is Gay

2011-10-07T18:55:00.000-04:00

You may have seen the news report about an Android app called "I Think My Son Is Gay." It was pulled from the Android marketplace last week after an uproar.

The app asks you a series of questions, such as, "Does he like sports?", "Is he concerned about how he dresses?", "Does he like Diva singers?" The you get an assessment of the likelihood that your son is gay. Gay rights groups applauded the decision to pull the app a "victory against homophobia and stereotypes."

I think that most people can put the puzzle pieces together and figure it out without an android app. A few years ago someone told me that you could determine if someone was gay by how they described a certain picture in the Rorschach inkblot test. Not true btw.

This app was intended to be satirical....a joke. It does ridicule gays with those questions. I likely would have heard of this app. All the press has made it famous.

What I Think

2011-10-03T06:00:00.006-04:00

Reading these blogs I start to get a sense of who people are. Call it a rudimentary personality profile.

Have you ever come across people with an air of supremacy? Put more simply, who think they're better than everyone else? They look down on you, referring to 98.6% of the US as "Shitsville, USA". Or using "Ohio" as a pejorative term to describe the entire central US. They tell you how "you should live." You can only have a "real life" if you live in a big city, especially if you're gay. I've had the displeasure a few times in my life. While I don't like to stereotype, my experience is that people from the DC to Boston corridor are more likely to act like this. Btw, I lived in that corridor for than 25 years.

It's obnoxious.

I've driven through impoverished small towns in Ohio, West Virginia and Kentucky that barely have one street light and maybe a fast food place. I'm glad I don't live in one of those places. I feel fortunate to live in a metropolitan area of 4 million people.....Civilization. Is it New York? No, but there is enough to do for me, I can go to NYC whenever I want. Many people who live in those small towns probably share a common story: born into poverty, poorly educated, and never could get out. I don't look down on them. I feel sorry for them. Most of all I appreciate how fortunate in life I am. My life isn't perfect, but it's probably more comfortable than 98.6% of Americans.

I'm in bigger cities fairly often....in the US and sometimes Europe. For me, great places to visit. I certainly could get a job in one of them and live there if I wanted to -- but I don't. There are a lot of positives about big cities, but a lot of negatives too. Negatives that you have to deal with on a daily basis if you live there. I've weighed the pros and cons, considered the priorities in my life...and haven't decided to move. I like my easy 20 minute commute, fresh air, and living comfortably on a fraction of my income. Is there a better variety of gay men in the big cities? Sure. There's always a better place. But I'm sure there are plenty of gay men in NYC or Washington or SF who still lament about finding a mate.

How we (as individuals) choose to live our lives is our own personal choice...no one else's. I might add, those of us who are fortunate enough to be able to make choices in our lives.....because many people, probably most of the world population, live with limited or no options. What amazing arrogance for someone to tell people they should move to "the big city to get a real life" as a gay man.

I see many people I would not want to trade places with. Many people who are, in my opinion, screwing up their lives. They would probably be happier with a few changes. But this is my opinion, and that's all it is. It's not my place to tell people what to do or how to live their lives. I might suggest something only if they asked. True, I don't say too many bad things about people or "tell them what I really think". Is there something wrong with that?

If someone wants to live in small town in Ohio, or go bowling in a dress, or stay in the closet their whole life, or tell the whole world they are gay, or fuck a different guy every night, or have a same-sex marriage, or date an effeminate hair stylist half their age ---- as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, IT'S THEIR OWN CHOICE.

End of a Long Two Weeks

2011-10-02T19:46:00.000-04:00

The last ten days have been crazy busy. Our top management was here last week, and that went well. There was much preparation. The new person arrived, and he seems very nice. Certainly super smart. Things seem to be falling into place as I hoped they would. Now I just need to be careful not to screw things up.

I've lost 20 pounds since May, and I've been doing more weight training type exercises and less running. When I stood up to give a presentation this week the CEO of my company stopped and said, "Rob, you've lost weight. What have you been doing?" I told him I had stepped up my running. He asked me alot of questions about how far I run, and what time of the day I do it. He's the only one who has said anything to me about the weight loss. He hasn't seen me since April.

Friday night I came home after this long week. I went out to get my mail and my neighbor walked over to me. "Your kids are so nice," she said, "You really have done a great job raising these kids for the last ten years, and I know it hasn't been easy. I'm just so impressed at how personable and polite your kids are when I talk to them." That was a good to hear....at least someone appreciates me.

Filmography

2011-09-19T19:26:00.002-04:00

A few comments on my last post. I wasn't looking for this. I'm serious at the gym....I run five miles, I do maybe 25 minutes of lifting, maybe I spend 5 minutes in the dry sauna, take a quick shower and I'm gone. I don't linger. I would NEVER do anything in public....not my thing at all. I've noticed this guy before, more than a year ago. Maybe he's just an exhibitionist. But yes, he could be a cop. He's so clean cut and All American that I'm surprised he would do this. I'm just going to ignore him in the future. Oh, and thanks "Richard," I can always count on you for an obnoxious comment.

On another note, I'm not going to lose my job. An important person will leave suddenly (he knows he's leaving), and a new person will come from the outside. I don't want to sound too Machiavellian, but there will be power vacuum, and I will come out of this with much more power than I have today, and probably responsibility for another country. Sadly, it won't be Hong Kong. But the people are brown. So not a bad thing for me.

_____________________

Do you remember those people in college who majored in film studies? They watched movies all the time and then discussed the plot, the actors' feelings, etc ad nauseum? I can't help doing this with "How to Make It in America."

The two lead actors, Cam and Ben, are both hot. But they have very different personalities. Sometimes it's hard to see how they connect. Cam is the cooler one for sure.

There is another supporting actor who has really caught my attention, and that is Kaplan. That's him pictured above. He is a hedge fund manager who is rich, but he just isn't cool. He just doesn't fit in well. He's only included on Ben's social periphery because he has money. It's interesting how the writers have portrayed him struggling with his "uncoolness." He tries to act cool, and it's just overboard. He sounds ridiculous. In one scene he says, "I know I wasn't born cool, but at least I have money," or something like that. Finally, he has a party and he's talking with one of Ben's male friends in his bedroom. "Why can't I get the girl? he agonizes, "I mean I can get them one time but they don't come back." Who would tell someone that? It's just interesting that the writers have chosen to include this character in the mix. He's different, and I think many can identify with his struggle. I guess the next question is, would you rather be cool or rich? Ben and Cam don't have a pot to piss in. Kaplan is loaded. Interesting dichotomy that the show presents.

It's rare that I'm so engaged by a TV show, but HBO does them so well. Look at the cross between comedy and drama that worked so well in the Sopranos. Don't tell me the characters in the Sopranos, like Tony's mother, Uncle Junior and the crew weren't comical. Since I am stuck in a boring, hell hole city.....the polar opposite of a glamorous city like Washington DC....none of you will be surprised that I'm so excited and feel so fortunate that HBO is beamed to us.

What Happened at the Gym

2011-09-18T17:49:00.003-04:00

Strange thing happened to me at the gym today.

There is this guy I've noticed before. I rarely see him though. He's early 30's, kind of hot.

I didn't know he was there. I'm taking a shower. He comes into the shower across from me. I could tell he was looking at me, and I sort of looked over. His dick was semi. I left and went to the sauna. He comes into the sauna, but nothing happened...no eye contact, anything. I leave and go back to the shower. He comes back into the shower across from me. This time he's fully erect and making sucking and fucking gestures. Standing there staring at me. I was staring back at him. It was like he was inviting me to play.

I'm never going to do anything at the gym.

So what's the deal? What is this guy doing? But then why would be be fully erect in the shower? Why wouldn't he talk to me outside?

This is a very clean cut, good looking guy.... Maybe I should have ignored him from the start.

I don't go to the gym to meet guys. So I'm not looking for it. Nothing like this has happened to me before at this gym....it's mostly all old guys.

MM

2011-09-18T11:12:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I'm so intrigued with this Millionaire Matchmaker Show. Anyway, there was this 27 yo guy who recently became a millionaire from an internet startup. What an incredibly nerdy guy! Every nerd characteristic: poorly dressed, bad hair, interested in comic books, super introverted. Even his name was dorky! But he was a sweet guy. Patti's reaction to his video: "Oh my god....give this guy his money back!" and then, "Has this guy EVER been laid?"

I think to myself, what would she say about me? Although, for the record, I have no interest in comic books. Patti does seem to have a process. One issue is getting the client to pick the right guy. She is constantly telling the clients to think about the long term connection....not who you are most sexually attracted to at that moment. She does some steering to push the clients to who she thinks is the best prospect for a relationship. The no sex before monogamy rule is a good one.

I'm envisioning myself going through the process. How would she react to me? I just think I'd be very awkward going through the mixer process. I wonder what kind of guy she'd pick for me?

This nerdy guy was paired up with this girl who just didn't seem like a fit to me. He took her to an art gallery and she seemed totally bored. She probably only went out with the guy because he's a millionaire. Eventually she suggested leaving, and took him to a bar to do shots. I don't think he had ever done shots before.

I think back to my date with TE at the science museum. And we both liked it!

2011-09-17T13:11:00.000-04:00

The last month has been so busy. Now I've just been told there will be a huge change at work at the end of the month. I am now the fourth person in my company to know, and threatened with firing if I leak the secret. Everyone will be shocked when it's announced. I foresee a stressful rest of the year.

It's been almost six months since I dated a guy....by that I mean really get to know him, spend the night kind of thing. That was Lee. He was an intelligent, nice guy....and fun in bed. Then I went to Europe....we got disconnected and I haven't seen him.

Lee and I had some good talks. Once he said, "Rob, I think you are just looking for a friend with benefits. You're not looking for anything serious." Now remember that Lee's boyfriend of three years had just left to return to China, and then shocked Lee by announcing that he got married. Soon thereafter he sent word that his new wife was pregnant. Lee wanted to replace the serious relationship that he had.

I think Lee is right. I want what I had with Kris. Dinner, good conversation, movie, and end the night in bed...and I want the sleepover. Then back to focusing on other priorities. Let's meet again in a week or so.

The other problem I have is that I'm a full-time parent now. My kids rarely leave. They used to spend every other weekend with their mom. Like clockwork. And I'd have weekends for myself. No longer. I don't have to be home all the time.....but I do need to come home. I can't bring a guy home anymore. This has really curtailed my social life. or I should say, what little social life I did have.

Opportunities are coming up....and I can't take advantage. I haven't had a guy in my bed for a long time....a year? Now I'm starting to think about alternatives. A hotel? I actually haven't done that before. Priceline!! It feels slutty....but lots of other guys do it and I don't think they're whores.

I've seen many articles about the changing nature of relationships. They are becoming more casual. Even women are seeking casual male friends instead of something more serious. Maybe this is partly because people are busier now than they were 30 years ago. We are electronically tethered to work that never shuts down. Perhaps now people are more apt to select exactly the elements they want from a relationship....instead of taking everything.

I had a date last week with Peter. He said he could never see himself living with a guy. He needs his own space. I sort of feel like that too. I feel like I want some distance....at least for now.

I guess my thinking is that if a casual relationship works, then great. If it works for you (or me), and doesn't hurt anyone else, that's all that matters.

Another Productive Weekend

2011-09-12T22:34:00.001-04:00

I was fighting with my cable company on Saturday over fucking up my bill again. The guy threw me a bone with six months of free HBO. So I watched the entire final season of Entourage. I like the show, I know it's stupid.

Anyway, I cannot believe how different Turtle looks. He lost weight and now he looks like a different person. I even had to look up on the internet exactly how much weight he lost -- 55 lbs. The most I've ever lost was 30 lbs -- coming off a low point in my life.

I did go to the gym too. Did some weights and now I'm sore. For some reason I like being sore.

I also discovered "How to Make It In America" on HBO. Hadn't seen that show before, but I sort of like it.

On Saturday night one guy from A4A who was very near to me really wanted to get me naked. But neither of us had a place. I don't do cars or parks....so no go.

That's my excitement.

Strength

2011-09-11T13:40:00.000-04:00

Strength. Something I want to work on. I've always felt that I was physically weak. Running just makes you skinny, and I want to be more solid. I need to dial back the running. I'm working on putting together a work out routine...like 40 minutes long and designed to increase my strength. This will get my heart rate up and tone me.

A few months ago I started this push up program -- I could only do about 10 perfect form push ups. Now I can do 23. I should be able to do 50. I just feel better when I'm in shape. I need a more balanced exercise program. More defined chest is nice too.

A few years ago I arranged a job interview for a friend. He is very smart, but overweight. He didn't get hired. The explanation? Energy. I think staying in shape can help a career....in addition to helping you get laid.

Anyway, another question I have is how do you get that visible vein on your biceps? Cool.

Finally a Date

2011-09-10T10:47:00.000-04:00

I did have a date last night.....it was brief, but a date nonetheless. The guy is 35 yo, white, professional guy, and we've been exchanging emails on MH for a few months. Just hadn't connected with him in person.

You never know what people are thinking is going to happen when you meet them. I didn't want this to be a hookup, and was unsure what he was thinking. At first he invited me to meet him at his condo, but I didn't want to do that. So we met at a Starbucks. He wasn't really dressed to go anywhere....he almost looked like he had pajama bottoms on. He invited me back to his place, and I just sort of looked at him tentatively. "Don't worry, I won't tear your clothes off," he said. He seemed like a normal guy, and I think he understood that I wasn't looking for sex. When I first meet someone I would really prefer to just have coffee or a drink at some public place.

So we went back to his place, had a drink and just talked for almost two hours. He filled me in on his life and his history. His difficulty accepting his sexuality in his 20's led to some destructive behavior, but now he is more comfortable with himself. I sat on one end of the sofa.....Rob the therapist. It was deep conversation.

Did you ever meet a guy who just can't stop talking? This was sort of the situation with this guy. And it was sort of in a nervous way. He was fairly straight acting, but I think he would have pinged my gaydar. I guess my impression was that this guy is a little scattered. Maybe he could be a friend.

I have a couple more possibilities I've been exchanging emails with. I'm thinking I'll put some effort into setting up a date with them.

2011-09-08T23:11:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend it was raining. While taking a break I watched this show on Logo where gay men were interviewed about image issues. I thought the guys would condemn the shallow, appearance-focused culture of the gay community. Instead, these guys talked about how hard they worked to improve their appearance -- cosmetic procedures, weight lifting, even steroids. Once they looked good, then they were accepted by the gay community and their lives were so much better!

One guy was saying that he was at a club, and some guys said, "Get out of here. You're not good looking enough and you're taking up space here!" Then he started to cry.

There was a lot of discussion about the different groups within the gay community -- all are based on how you look. So there are a number of factions of the "good looking" people. Then there are the bears, etc. I wondered what group I would fit into? Certainly none that were on that show.

There was only brief mention of actually getting to know people and not judging people on their looks.

Right after this show was the A-List. Talk about gay drama! It's nauseating. The only guy on that show who I think is really hot is Rodiney. He's hot, but he comes across as stupid. Anyway, he was trying to date women now, and was telling them he was bisexual. These guys are also obsessed with looks....even getting botox in their armpits.

Derailed

2011-09-05T14:00:00.001-04:00

Twelve

That's how many times I've eaten out in the last two weeks. I've been entertaining visitors from Europe. When I climbed on the scale Sunday I was up two pounds. Now I need to get back on track with diet and gym.

There comes a time with running when you just cruise through it. You feel like you can run forever. I'm close to that point now. I can cruise through five miles with no problem, but I'm still over 40 minutes.

Now I need to shift more to the weight training routines.

Self vs. External View

2011-08-28T10:25:00.000-04:00

Next week I have to fill out a performance review at work -- a self review on ten performance elements. That will be compared to a review that my boss does. It will be interesting to see how my boss evaluates me as I only talk to him for one hour a month. I'm struggling with how to fill it out -- rate myself high? Or just in the middle? It would be embarrassing if I rate myself way higher than he does. I hate these reviews. Just tell me what you think....why do I have to evaluate myself?

Speaking of disconnects between how people see themselves vs. how others see them, I was wasting time today watching Millionaire Matchmaker. The show starts out with a video of the prospective client....a chance to see how the client views himself. Then you hear Patti say what she thinks, and it's often totally different. Sometimes it's so obvious why these people are single. Such a night and day disconnect between how they see themselves and how Patti (and most other people) see them. One common problem I see among these single people: they are too serious, they never smile, they show little or no emotion, they come across as aloof and sometimes overly intellectual. These may be the nicest people, but how many prospective partners will spend the time to get to know them and pull them out of their shell? She was counseling a 47 yo gay guy in the show I was watching, and ultimately she started screaming at him and threw him out of her office. She could not get him to change or see his self-defeating behavior. Similar themes with some of the other gay guys I've seen on the show.

I have to put effort into trying to come across as friendly. It really depends if I am comfortable with the person I'm meeting. If I'm not comfortable then I will come across as reserved. Some people are just social beings -- they are comfortable meeting anyone, fit right into any social situation and might be described as 'fun'. For others, we are less comfortable in these situations. It's hard to change a serious numbers guy into a social butterfly. You can make improvements, but not totally change him.

We are who we are.

Weigh-In

2011-08-21T20:14:00.000-04:00

This week I ran twenty miles, did circuit training, and ate less than 1500 calories per day. So you can imagine my frustration when I weighed in today and found that I had gone up by 0.2 lbs. I guess this is what you have to expect when you're down to the last two pounds. I did drink a lot of water while running, maybe that's the problem.

I'm only doing the weigh in once a week -- on Sunday. Today I did it in the evening, but I really should stick to the mornings. If weigh in is the second thing I do in the morning, that's probably the best time to weigh in. I am taking the safflower oil too. Safflower oil contains a fat that turns on the brown fat in your body which burns fat. Ten days after starting to take it I lost 2 pounds....after being stuck for a while.

I'm going to continue the circuit training using some of the Crossfit exercises I've seen on YouTube. From just 20 minutes of that I was feeling a bit sore. If I can do this for a few weeks then I will feel more comfortable going to a Crossfit class.

My diet is officially over on the 31st. I have two weeks of visiting colleagues and business dinners ahead of me. So it will be difficult to hit my goal by month end.

Just 1.4 lbs Away

2011-08-19T21:57:00.000-04:00

I'm just 1.4 lbs from my goal of 155.....I'll be 5'8" and 155 lb.

I've been running -- now 5 mile runs in 43 minutes, and I'm at 45 miles so far this month. Eating less than 1500 calories a day. Closely tracking my food intake and exercise. I've found substitutes for the foods I would be most tempted to cheat on.

As you can see, I probably don't want to get any thinner. I've decided 155 is as low as I want to go. I need to dial back on the running, and I'm getting bored with it anyway. I've been running for years - I need something different. I'm looking for some alternative kinds of exercise. As you can also see, I'm not fat, but I'm not muscular or well defined either. One thing I'm thinking about is Crossfit. There is a studio close to my house, and I'm thinking of trying it. I'm a bit intimidated as it's advertised as an exercise program for cops and EMS.....and even Navy Seals!

I've been experimenting with some of the Crossfit exercises. It's like circuit training, or a variety of weight training type exercises in quick succession. I've been watching some you tube videos. Just 20 minutes of this with light weights is a killer. I'd have to go into the most elementary program and build from there. Look at my body -- this is what I need. I'm barely toned. So maybe I'll attend an introductory class and see what happens. Two or three times a week of crossfit would probably do me alot of good.

I do feel much better. All my clothes fit well or even loosely now. I'm wearing my tailored fit shirts again. Amazing what 20 lbs can do.

Sixth Sense

2011-08-13T20:34:00.000-04:00

Today I had a coffee date. I took a risk here. This is a guy I met on manhunt. I didn't know much about him....except that he was 36, Asian, 5'6", wrote in complete sentences, and was a top. It was further than I would normally drive, but I figured I would risk it.

So we met. As it turns out, he is a PhD in psychology and now doing a clinical training program. Is this like a sixth sense for me? How did I mysteriously gravitate to this Asian PhD?

He said he was 36, but he could have been 45. Salt and pepper hair, and just seemed to be older than 36. But I could be wrong. Maybe he really is 36. He is well spoken and obviously intelligent. One thing is for sure, he is in great shape. He periodically took a deep breath and I could see that he had a great chest. We talked for about 1.5 hours. He said maybe we could go hiking or a movie sometime. He didn't invite me back to his place. The question is, does he really have any interest? Or just being polite? This is the type of guy I've had the best luck with. I like that he is closer to my age.

Now I'm thinking next steps. Maybe an email, enjoyed meeting you, etc. Try to set up another date.

I Confess

2011-08-12T15:41:00.002-04:00

Ok, I confess. I shave a few years off my age on MH. Why? Because I can get away with it. I have no gray hair, and everyone always guesses my age at 5 to 10 years below actual. In fact, someone recently guessed that I was 30.

I don't lie about my height, weight or cock size.

There's a code to reading these online ads:
Age - Once a guy gets above 30 he's likely to start lying here. In the 40's it's very likely. In the 50's it's almost certain. I pretty much assume that a guy who says he's 55 is in his 60's.

Weight - If a guy is overweight, he is probably going to shave 10 or 20 lbs off his weight. Guys over 200 scare me a bit -- they are just totally out of my weight class. I usually avoid them. It's hard for me to guess a guys weight within 20 lbs. This is a hard one. I see guys who are somewhat overweight who are still really hot, and others who don't carry it so well.

Cock Size - if he says 7.5 or 8, then he's big. If he says 7, then he's probably above average. 6 means average or smaller.....you rarely see anyone put less than 6. If a guy says less than 6, you know he must be pretty small, as he's not even going to try to exaggerate. 7.5+ is a big selling point. I hate to be totally superficial, but even for me there is some curiosity about guys who are hung.

Once you know the code, then you generally know how to decipher and what to expect.
_______________

I was chatting with TE last night. He had just been to see the Smurfs. He told me there was an actor in the movie that reminded him of me. "Is this going to be a compliment?" I asked, "This actor better not be a total dweeb."

The actor was Neil Patrick Harris. So I take that as a compliment. And he's gay too. TE didn't know that.

Close!

2011-08-07T16:21:00.000-04:00

I'm now 1.5 lbs away from my original goal. 4.5 pounds to go by month end for my new goal. I already have 17 miles in this month, and I'm anxious to go running again. My clothes are loose and I feel better. I finish running four miles, my shirt is soaked, quick shower, some time in the dry sauna and back for a cool shower.....it's great.

It was 2003 when I was depressed and overweight. Friends even made comments that I had gained weight. I was tired in the afternoon. My clothes became tighter and tighter. After several years of failed attempts, I started again on June 1st, 2003. I went running. I couldn't even run a mile. For whatever reason, this time I stuck with it. By December I had lost 25 lbs. I could run four miles in just over 30 minutes. At Christmas people asked me what happened. How did I do it? "Wow, you've lost quite a bit of weight." My neighbor who rarely talks to me came running over, "wow you look great." Numerous people at work commented about how much weight I had lost. A person at work I hadn't seen in two years, said "wow, you look like a completely different person." A few months later I was at a Little League game, and another parent who I really didn't know well, came up to me and bluntly said, "how did you lose the weight?" Through this process I became I believer in the power of exercise and good health. Throw away the prozac....just go run 4 miles.

Wow, I didn't realize how fat I was. For 25 lbs? Look at all the people who are obese. I wasn't like that. My BMI was never close to 30.

This time I've lost a bit more than 15 pounds. No one has really commented to me. My challenge now is staying this way. It's so easy for your weight to drift upwards if you're not paying attention. So many people lose it, and then gain it back. I've been intensely monitoring my food input and exercise for the last few months. Not sure I want to do that for the rest of my life. But I do want to keep my loosely fitting 32w pants.

One challenge I want to set for myself now is getting into lap swimming. It's a better exercise than just running all the time. I just have never been able to become good at swimming. I'm thinking about how to do this. Where is there a swim class for the 40-somethings?

__________________________
I chatted with TE on Friday. Some friends have rented a place on lake in Northern Ontario. He was hoping they couldn't get the place so we could meet on the weekend of the 19th....but they did, so we can't meet. I was disappointed, and I know he felt badly about it too. Another time I guess. I was looking forward to a weekend in Toronto.

I need an adventure this Summer. I can't have spent the entire summer just working....ugh. Or maybe some mini-adventures close by.

Matchmaker

2011-08-06T20:07:00.000-04:00

It's a rainy afternoon and I need some time to veg. I'm watching this stupid show called Millionaire Matchmaker. It's was amusing to watch this matchmaker woman scream at the clients she's trying to fix up. There was one gay guy who was really dorky and not very good looking. He was however, worth $7 million. He seemed to think he was "all that". The matchmaker and her staff cringed as they watched his video.

As stupid as this show is, it's interesting to watch the matchmaker and her life coaches counsel the clients on fixing some of the things they are doing that hurt their social life. The gay guy had unrealistically high standards and rejected nearly everyone. The matchmaker took him to place with all beautiful people, and let him feel what it;s like to be judged only on appearance. It was easy to see why some of the other guys got dropped on the first date -- they were so annoying. The matchmaker had a rule of no sex for the first three months of the "courtship." What gay guy ever does that? At least she clarifies the rule for both parties.

I wonder what a matchmaker would tell me? It might be enlightening.

Why Do the Nice Guys Move Away?

2011-08-03T20:44:00.000-04:00

Last weekend just out of the blue I got an IM from Eric2. He's the guy I met last Labor Day.....Sept 12th post. I was really attracted to him...exactly my type. I only saw him one time, but he has stayed in touch. Right after we met he sent me a really nice note telling me how much fun he had with me and what a nice guy I was.

That was September. We never could find another time to meet. By December he had moved to Florida.

It was great to hear from him again. He told me all about his new life in Florida. And he's getting older and hopes to find a life partner (he's 32 btw). Me! Me! I would date this guy in a second, and I told him that. He's returning to the area at Thanksgiving and he said we may be able to meet then. He's such a nice guy. Why can't one of these guys just stay put here! Near me!

I also heard from TE. He will be in Toronto for 9 days in a few weeks. We are trying to meet the weekend of the 20th. If he can free up the weekend for me. That would be nice. It's 50/50 at best right now though. Maybe I'll know this weekend. I just can't travel during the week.....too busy this month. It has to be the weekend, and I can't even stay until Monday. Keeping my fingers crossed that this works out.

I need these meeting with friends to be more frequent.

Getting Closer

2011-08-01T20:50:00.000-04:00

I finished the month of July having run 56 miles. My 5k time is still 28 minutes, so not where I want it to be. I'm just 2.5 lbs. from my goal, but I'm thinking the goal should be 3 lbs lower at 155....so that's my new goal to hit by Aug 27th. It's so hard to lose the last few pounds. I am experimenting with safflower oil as it is supposed to ignite fat burning cells in your body to eliminate those last few pounds. The running has really helped. I do feel better and my clothes are loose.

I'm not going to go crazy with the running.....probably max out at 5 miles. I'm also doing this 100 pushups program too. I remember this guy in college who was lean and solid, but not a muscleman. We had a physical fitness test and he did 76 pushups. I can only do 18 now. I don't know why I have 76 in my head....probably not a realistic goal. I'm just looking to stay toned. I just need to stick with this program.

I had a good talk with Seth on Sunday. I will be in Germany in October and we are planning to meet again. He broke up with his bf seven months ago....and they haven't spoken. He's lonely...I can tell.

There Must Be a Better Way

2011-07-28T21:06:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was bored, watching tv and chatting online. This guy im's me. He's 38, from Greece, and not far. We chat for a while and the inevitable gay question comes up. "How big are you?" he asks. So I answer. "Sorry, I'm only interested in guys with 8 or more," he answers.

I totally understand why guys complain about meeting people online.

It's frustrating and 99% of the time a waste of time. Would anyone go fishing if they only caught something one in a hundred times?

That said, I've met some great guys online, including Seth. But lately I haven't met anyone. I'm even failing on OkCupid. The guys I've messaged, who are around my age btw, don't reply.

It seems that many guys over 40 are looking for some young hottie....no interest in their brothers who are north of 40. It seems only the over 40 and overweight crowd are sending me messages. It seems few have disavowed younger guys and try to stick to their own age. Some of these guys have been hanging out online for years....it seems they are always there when I go online. What a life.

It's no wonder so many over 40 guys have so much anxiety about dating and wonder if there is anyone out there for them.

I'm a quant and approach things from a perspective of probabilities. Specifically how to improve my odds. How can I identify the guys I'm most likely to click with. I think my interest in Asian guys is part of this approach. I feel like I need to refine this approach as I'm having no luck right now. I wish I could more easily narrow the field of guys out there so I can see only the one's in my target segment. I also recognize probabilities are based on a generalization....so I could be missing a great guy with my approach.

People have given me lots of suggestions for meeting guys. Some were good, but some just won't work for me. It should be easier. Maybe I'm just a dork nobody wants to date...who knows. But I'll keep trying.

Weight Loss

2011-07-24T22:50:00.000-04:00

I actually read Volumetrics in 2002. I used it to lose 30 lbs in six months. I make a chicken vegetable soup (from scratch) that is about 250 calories per bowl, and is a meal. It's easy to have for dinner. If you're hungry you'll cheat....that's the key.

The other thing I use is a computer program called Dietpower. You set a weight loss goal and date. It tells you if the diet is reasonable and how many calories you are allowed to eat everyday. Then you track your food input everyday, and periodically input your weight. Great diet for a numbers guy.

Last 5

2011-07-24T08:17:00.002-04:00

For the last two months I've been working on losing weight. I wanted to be 158, and I was over 170. Now I am down to 162. Not so bad for someone who is 5'8". My clothes fit loosely again and I feel better. My blood pressure was a bit high for the first time in my life, and my doctor said losing even 10 pounds would help alot.

My problem is that I'm having trouble losing the last 4 pounds. Another week has gone by -- I'm eating 1500 cals per day and ran four miles on three days. No progress -- still at 162.

I set a goal of 158, but then Twolives pointed out to me that he is 5'8" and 132....but I don't think 132 would work for me. A few years ago I went to 145 and people asked me if I was sick. Maybe 155 is the right number for me.

Now I need to figure out how to get those last few pounds off -- and then stay there!

Dry Spell

2011-07-23T19:37:00.002-04:00

It's been more than two months. Not really any prospects. I'm going crazy.

It could be worse. Just in my small circle of bloggers there are guys who haven't had sex for a decade or more. Maybe I shouldn't complain too loudly.

I could call Lee. But he told me he thinks I'm just looking for a fwb, and he wants a serious relationship. He's probably right.

Eric is not returning my texts. I told myself the last two (or was it more?) that Eric is a nut case who needs help. I shouldn't even go there. Why do I want to be with him? Not sure why I'm attracted to him.

There is a gay bar like five miles away. Should I go there tonight? George said he's been there -- all the guys are preppy, buff, but kind of stuck up -- so George told me.

G.com, MH, A4A, CL.....all a waste of time. All the same people who have been there forever. It seems only the creepy guys message me.

Maybe I should head to Toronto for the weekend. Tons of 30 and 40 something Asian guys who would eat me up. That's what George told me to do.

My reality is different now. My kids are with me almost all the time. I never get a weekend off. I don't have a private, safe place to play.

So what do I do? Jackoff like three times a day to take the edge off?

Dinner -- George

2011-07-20T22:27:00.004-04:00

I met George for dinner Tuesday night. I think he travels three weekends a month. He told me of his adventures in Australia at a gay resort, San Francisco, New York, and a Palm Springs underwear party. We had dinner, and he grabbed the bill and insisted on paying. Then, as usual, we headed to the nearby gay bar.

This time we went to a different section of the bar where there were more guys. George walked around saying hi and hugging a few guys. As we looked around George critiqued the guys......too hairy, too fem, whatever. I feel like George is studying me to see how I'm reacting to being at the bar. Less personal questions from George this time.

George was telling me that he was at the bar with some friends (probably Asian). Some guy they'd never seen before came up to one friend and said, "Do I know you from someplace?" George's friend just said no and turned back to the group. George said this guy was so naive he didn't realize this was a pickup line. Then George went into action trying to get his friend to go talk to this guy. He was close to doing it, but then they saw him standing outside smoking. George's friend said he didn't want to be with a smoker, so he dropped it. I need to meet this friend....he's probably my speed.

Weekend Date

2011-07-18T20:34:00.004-04:00

I had my first date in a few months this weekend. This Asian guy who is not far from me wanted to meet....just for coffee. He supposedly was 35 yo and had a fairly provocative picture online. I didn't see a face pic.

So when I met this guy my first thought was, "He's 35? I would guess 55." There's no way this guy is 35. And Asian guys usually look younger than their real age! I just don't see how that picture he has could be him.

Anyway -- meeting guys online? Prepare to be disappointed. What a bad attitude I have.

Tomorrow I am meeting George for dinner. He sent me a note reminding me of dinner and that I owe him a blow job. I'm going to question him about what he's up to. Maybe turn the tables on him tomorrow. Should be fun.

Eric pt 2

2011-07-16T23:55:00.001-04:00

Thursday night Eric messaged me and asked if I would come over. I told him no. I am super busy at work and need to be able to function. I also wanted to have a talk before anything happened. I wanted him to know where I stand. So on Thursday I told him we could meet on Friday, we'd talk and see what happens. I said jokingly, some psychotherapy for you.

So Friday he didn't call me, so I messaged him to ask if he was no longer interested. He said he didn't need a therapist and probably shouldn't have contacted me. We chatted for another half hour, but my conclusion is that he's as screwed up as ever. I can't joke around with him -- he takes everything literally. That just isn't fun.

I have the same conclusion as the last time I talked with him. This is just too much work.

Eric Returns

2011-07-14T22:02:00.002-04:00

You may remember my posts in 2007 and 2009 about Eric. He's single and deep in the closet. We dated a few times in 2007. I was his first experience with gay sex. He's probably 38 or 39. Look at my April 17, 2009 post for a picture.

I don't know what it is, but I'm really attracted to this guy. Not sure why, but I am. However, he was so frustrating to be friends with that he drove me crazy.

Last night I get this IM just out of the blue. It was quickly apparent that it was Eric. He apologized for all the game playing. He wants to see me again. In fact he wanted me to come over last night.

I told him no. If you want to see me again then we will have a serious talk first. There are some issues that need to be discussed before anything else can happen. I shouldn't even talk to this guy again, but I think there's some hope here. He told me how much he liked me, how the sex was awesome, he's sorry, he's struggling with his sexuality, blah, blah. So maybe we'll have a date tomorrow night....see what happens.

Strange Dream

2011-07-13T08:12:00.002-04:00

I've just had the weirdest dream.

I'm sitting on the sofa watching gay porn. Just like I'd be watching any other TV show.

My mom comes in and sits down. I'm unfazed....it's just like I'm watching TV in the family room.

She starts screaming and throwing things at me. "You're gay!"

What a strange dream to have so vividly and out of the blue.

Looking Again?

2011-07-10T22:35:00.003-04:00

This weekend I was running around doing errands and taking care of kids stuff. I haven't met anyone in more than two months. Feeling a little lonely I guess.

Periodically I took breaks during the weekend. While watching mindless TV I was looking around on the net.....surfing from MH to A4A to g.com to CL to OKC. Nothing. A frustrating do-loop.

There is one guy who wants to meet me. I've put him off a few times because I had work conflicts. Maybe I'll contact him later in the week.

Then there's George. Good old George. We are supposed to have dinner on Thursday. This is the dinner we've been trying to schedule since March. We had dinner scheduled for Wednesday, but now I have a business dinner so had to delay yet again. George is definitely my type - very smart, funny. But he supposedly has a boyfriend. And I think he'd be bored with me. George is traveling all the time on the weekends....I'll hear all about his adventures at the underwear party and gay pride. I'll ask if he has a friend to fix me up with. The situation with George is a little strange. He invites me to dinner. The conversation is always funny...and very sexual. I think sometimes too graphic to be having in a restaurant. Sometimes we have a drink at a gay bar. Back at his place it's a hug goodbye in the parking lot and that's the end.

This week is busy, but maybe over the next few weeks I'll look around a bit more.

Blame it On Gay

2011-07-06T22:28:00.002-04:00

Thanks to a few people for pointing out that gays are not the only people who can have poor athletic aptitude. There are plenty of straight people who cannot play sports. This issue of gay men having poor athletic aptitude came up in the NYT article and that triggered my post.

Still another said so what if you're not a good athlete...accept who you are. I know that being a poor athlete doesn't make me bad or less of a person. The point here is that I didn't fit in as a kid, and if I had a little athletic ability I would have had an easier time as a kid. I would have been socially validated....I think. Some other readers get this point.

There is a tendency to blame all one's problems on being gay. Being gay can cause some issues, I'm sure, but it's not the cause of every single problem you have.

__________
On another note, I am now within 4 lbs of my goal weight. I'll be at my goal in 2 or 3 weeks. I wasn't obese, but I was feeling chubby. My abs are flat again and my clothes fit loosely. I feel better overall. I've been running with interval training, but I'm limiting my runs to four miles. I'm going to dial that back and switch more to weight training. Now I need a system to keep myself at my target weight.....maybe statistical process control every week.

I haven't seen Lee in two months. In fact I haven't met anyone. Just haven't felt like it. Now I'm thinking about meeting someone.....nothing serious, but I'm feeling like I want to.

Finally -- this is my 500th post! This writing is a way to organize my thoughts, think about things logically, and often get some good feedback. Thanks for reading!

-R

Can You Throw a Baseball?

2011-07-03T15:05:00.004-04:00

One thing that caught my attention in "Living the Good Lie" was the description of "gay therapy" in the 1970's. It involved learning how to throw a baseball in the therapist's backyard.

How ridiculous!

Is it? One consistent thing I've heard from readers is that they do not have an aptitude for athletics. I include myself in this category. For myself, I didn't think of it as a gay thing. I never played organized sports as a kid. I never played catch or tossed a football around with my dad. We never watched sports. He didn't have that much interest in me. This has been a problem for me my whole life. The time to learn to play baseball is at age 10, not age 25. Sports can be a social lubricant. When you can easily join into a pickup baseball or flag football game it makes social acceptance easier.

On one team my kids played on there was a kid, kind of nerdy, who hated playing. He didn't seem gay to me. The coach and his father were talking about it. "At least get him to a point where he's comfortable playing in a pickup game in college," I remember the coach saying.

My own kids have played organized sports since kindergarten. I made sure of that. It was awkward for me though -- as I am not capable of being even a Little League assistance coach. I played up being a busy executive.....no time for that. Honestly, I really don't even like watching sports. Looking back, this has been really painful for me. I wish I could have changed it.

Being gay doesn't mean you have poor athletic ability. Look at all the gay sports leagues out there. Many gay guys are into sports in a big way.

There are theories about homosexuality arising from a disinterested father and dominant mother. Not sure I believe them anyway. Is the poor athletic aptitude the result of being gay or the disinterested father? Chicken or the egg question I guess.

The Clerk

2011-07-01T21:54:00.002-04:00

I was out shopping this week. As soon as I walked into one of the stores I did a double take when I laid eyes on one of the clerks. He looks just like Brent Everett. Amazing. Same haircut, a striking resemblance, same body, same hot ass. Has the porn business slowed down so much that he's working in retail now?

I spent a few hours in this store. Every time this guy walked by me my eyes wandered. Of course I couldn't go up to the guy and say, "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Brent Everett?"

One Size Does NOT Fit All

2011-06-25T11:22:00.002-04:00

I'm learning a bit about psychology from reading "Living the Good Lie."

First, the difference between sexual orientation, and sexual identity. Sexual identity is the way you see yourself, and how you want to be seen. One would think that conflicts between the two would resolve overtime. That is to say that sexual identity would eventually fall into line with sexual orientation.

There are a number of people who read my blog and communicate with me. Some accept that they are gay, desire to live a gay lifestyle, and seem to be waiting for an opportune time to exit their current situation. It's a difficult step -- maybe they will never take it, but they tell me that they want to.

Other guys are conflicted. They are happy with most aspects of their current married situation. But they still have this underlying desire for guys. The desire for guys - their true sexual orientation - is a nagging problem. However, they want to maintain their traditional family and be seen as straight -- their sexual identity.

If guys in the latter situation present at a therapist asking for help, I think 99% of the time they would be advised to throw in the towel, get divorced and go live as a gay man. You can't fight nature, you'll be told. So it was interesting to me to read about "client centered" therapy: the client’s desires take precedence over any values or opinions held by the therapist.

Last year I was communicating with a guy who found my blog. He was early 30's, married with two kids and seriously conflicted. What should he do? Here was fairly clear case of a straight sexual identity in a body with a homosexual orientation. He told me about his family and actually sent me a photo. After hearing his story and seeing this beautiful picture, my first thought was, "there has to be another way." He needs to find a way to keep his family together - because these were important values in his life. I'm not sure where this story ended.

Can you decide to push sexual orientation to a back corner in your life in favor of other priorities/values? I doubted that this was possible, but perhaps it is. What if you have a desire for m2m sex, but all other aspects of the gay lifestyle leave you unfulfilled? So after you have sated that need for sex, what do you do with the rest of your life? Maybe living a life that is more in line with your sexual identity makes more sense. For many people, it's not all about sex. The relative importance of sex changes over time. I'm very curious about how well these vignettes in "Living the Good Lie" are really working. If this is another situation like finding Exodus Intl people sneaking into a gay bar, then it's not working so well.

Are you living the life you want? Are you happy? That's the first test.

My Ex-Gay Friend

2011-06-22T21:14:00.004-04:00

I'm still digesting and thinking about the "Living the Good Lie" article. Post to come.

The second article, "My Ex-Gay Friend," is also worth reading. The key passage from article for me was this one:

“Homosexuality is a cage in which you are trapped in an endless cycle of constantly wanting more — sexually — that you can never actually receive, constantly full of emptiness, trying to justify your twisted actions by politics and ‘feel good’ language.”

My impression of this guy is that he lived the gay portion of his life with a great deal of emphasis on sex and physical pleasure. Note the mention of raves every weekend and the relationship that turned into a three guys.

Eventually he just became disgusted with it. That was the breaking point.....where he decided to "become" straight.

Do I think this guy became straight? Of course not.

I think he came to a realization that he was profoundly unfulfilled. He became repulsed by what he was doing. Now he is suppressing his homosexuality. In his mind he is choosing the lesser of two evils.

There are many aspects of the gay scene or lifestyles in the gay world that I'm totally not comfortable with. For example, widespread anonymous sex, the epidemic of drug fueled unsafe sex ("PnP"), depictions in the movie "Gay Sex in the 70's", these "breeder" blogs, the enormous volume of gay porn, the overwhelming emphasis on physical appearance and youth.....I could go on.

I think to myself: how does this kind of life or this kind of sex fulfill anyone? How do you get pleasure from being fucked in a sling by five guys at a seedy bathhouse?

Ward and June Cleaver are heterosexuals. Where are the wholesome homosexuals?

In "Living the Good Lie" there is a conflict between religious beliefs and homosexuality. What's interesting -- different -- about that article is that it discusses scenarios where religious beliefs win out. I should say, where the religious beliefs are chosen, the guy is not living a tortured life, and is actually happy (we think). This is possible?? Most writers argue that you shouldn't fight your homosexuality because it cannot be suppressed, and living that lifestyle is inevitable. This is not just about guys who are torn between homosexuality and religious beliefs -- it's also about guys who want a traditional family, and prefer to conform to societal norms. Coming out goes well for some guys and poorly for others. We hear alot about the situations that go well.

It's a different perspective to think about.

Living the Good Lie

2011-06-21T23:03:00.002-04:00

This is the title of the lead article in this week's NYT Magazine. The article is about gay people who choose to stay in the closet, and actually have therapists who help them lead the life they desire.

I think the article will be particularly interesting to readers of this blog.

Silver Lining

2011-06-18T15:34:00.003-04:00

Sometimes if you look close enough at some of the worst things that happen in your life you can see a silver lining.

One of those situations for me was getting divorced. Let me be clear, my divorce had nothing to do with being gay. The reasons are complicated. I worked too much. My ex-wife had a credit card problem that drove me insane. And some other stuff. I had an interest in guys while I was married, but I had never acted on it. I had so much other stuff going on that I didn't have time to dwell on the gay thing. I think it would have become a problem had I stayed married.

Obviously now I am very glad to be divorced without the gay thing being showcased as the cause.

I didn't experience sex with another man until more than two years after I was divorced. Why? For one, I was depressed and financially struggling after the divorce. I was dealing with an ongoing war in the courtroom over my kids. I think I'm risk averse....so slow to actually set up a meeting with someone. I remember the first meeting I set up with a guy I had been chatting with for a few weeks. I was so naive about how this whole gay thing works. He knew what kind of car I was driving. As I got out of my car, another car drove by me and slowed to nearly a stop. The guy looked at me for like 10 seconds, and drove off. I was so naive that I walked up to the Starbucks or whatever and waited 10 minutes for this guy. I didn't realize this had been a drive by. Later the guy sent me an IM saying, "why didn't you show up?" Now I'm well versed in the games and bullshit.

Then when I finally did have an experience with a guy, (and he was a nice, normal guy) it was almost traumatic for me. I came away thinking I'm not gay, I didn't like it.....I didn't even jack off for like two weeks after that. But then a few months later, and I was interested in doing it again.

Slow learner? Maybe that's what I am.

The Fate of Wives

2011-06-15T21:58:00.002-04:00

It's nice to know that people actually read and pay attention to my comments. Jim realizes that he got off VERY easy in his divorce....it could have been much worse.

Sometime I will do a posting on my divorce. It had nothing to do with being gay. But writing down the experience might still be too traumatic for me. My ex was on the offensive against me for more than ten years. Literally more than ten years after getting divorced I was still in court. Going to court is awful. It's almost like I need to go on the offensive to destroy her before she can do more damage to me. Kill or be killed......figuratively of course.

I went to a court ordered program for high conflict divorces and heard the stories of the other people.....and felt fortunate my situation wasn't far worse.

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."

The mother of one of my kids friends is a single mom in her 40's. She's divorced from a doctor and within five minutes of meeting her you can tell she's pissed. Her kid had invited my kid over and I had some questions. "It's so nice to see a responsible father who is obviously concerned about his kids....unlike my ex-husband who hasn't seen his kids in years," she told me.

This woman is big. When I met this woman the one word that popped into my mind was "beast." So her ex-husband is a doctor, maybe living on $300k per year with his hot secretary. And this woman has no prospects, and probably won't have any. Of course she's pissed.

A friend was telling me that men get more distinguished looking as they age, while age does nothing for women. I guess I sort of agree with that.

So if you're a 40-something woman who has squeezed out a few kids, and it shows, it must be devastating to have your world turned upside down when you find out your husband likes guys. Facing the prospect of living alone with a much diminished standard of living can't be too appealing. And it's all his fault!!!

Courts have a lot of discretion in how they handle a divorce. And if they break the rules who cares....few people will have enough money left to appeal. The sympathies almost always lie with the woman.....especially one with low earning power. Women have the ability to do tremendous damage. Start to cry and scream domestic violence.....that trick works wonders.

Proceed with caution through the divorce minefield. If you are able to walk across the minefield without losing a limb consider yourself incredibly fortunate.

Gay Health Care

2011-06-08T23:21:00.003-04:00

I was at my doctor recently. The patient information form now asks you to check off: hetero, gay or bi.

I'm just wondering: How many guys really tell their doctor that they are gay? I know some people who do, but most that I know do not.

There is supposed to be doctor - patient confidentiality. But is anything confidential anymore? It all gets reported to the insurance company.....and then what?

The GLBT center in my city gives referrals to "gay friendly" health care professionals. If I ever had an issue I could always call them.

Is Anything Safe?

2011-05-31T22:05:00.002-04:00

This morning I was surprised to see an article in the WSJ on HPV. HPV is the Human Papilloma Virus and it is the most common STD. HPV can cause cervical cancer in women and genital warts in both sexes. The issue now however, is the skyrocketing number of cases of oral/throat cancer caused by HPV.

Guess how HPV gets into the throat?

Throat cancer is fucking scary. Have you seen Roger Ebert lately? He has HPV positive throat cancer. ENT docs are now asking some patients to complete a questionnaire that asks how many lifetime oral sex partners you've had. How often do you encounter a guy who wants to use a condom for oral sex? Very, very rare in my experience.

HPV can also cause anal cancer. Even if you always play safe, how many times has a top pushed his bare rod against your hole before donning a rubber for the deed?

Is the priesthood looking pretty good right now? Sorry, bad example. Is celibacy looking good right now?

Isn't there any fun that is truly safe anymore?

What do you really want?

2011-05-30T20:25:00.002-04:00

I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts for this post. Basically what I want to say is that sometimes you get what you really want (perhaps on a subconscious level), not what you say you want or even think you want.

I was talking with a friend about a pop psychology book I'd been reading. One of the assignments was to take an inventory of your friends. Sometimes I bemoan not having anyone to hang around with on a Saturday night. I'm usually busy during the week, and some weekends, so I don't have a lot of time to hang out with friends.

When I went through this friends inventory I realized that there are a number of people on the list I could call, but haven't. Not all these friends are gay, but they're all people I like and find interesting. One friend has repeatedly invited me to come to NYC. I keep putting it off. There's another friend I've been meaning to call, but haven't. I could reach out to Lee, but haven't. Even dinner with George that he emailed me about in March hasn't happened yet.

I'm really not a social person. It's just not me. A little bit of socializing goes a long way with me. Often I am quite content to sit home and read, or as much as I hate to admit it, watch TV.

I wonder if subconsciously I'm comfortable where I am. The social norm in this country is that people should have lots of friends and be out with them nearly all the time. The worst thing you can call someone is a loner. Maybe my real problem is that I'm bothered by the fact that I don't fit with "social norms."

People ask, "hey, what did you do Saturday night?" It's embarrassing to say, "stayed home and read a book." Only losers do that. Loner, loser.....aren't they practically interchangeable?

I am what I am.

I look at the situations other people are in, including a few bloggers I know. They could change their situations if they really wanted to. Embarrassment, fear of the unknown, whatever. But maybe they are, at least subconsciously, comfortable where they are.

Inevitable

2011-05-18T21:57:00.003-04:00

After spending time with Javier this weekend I'm motivated to run 50 miles.

Getting older is inevitable. A train you can't stop. You can mitigate the affects a bit, but you can't stop it.

Getting fat, now that you can control.

It's bad enough getting older, but fat too? A bad combination.

Javier

2011-05-15T05:57:00.000-04:00

Imagine my surprise when I get an IM last night from Javier. I hadn't talked to him in quite a while. We exchanged pleasantries for a while, and then he tells me he's here in the US...nearby. It's already 11:45pm. Do I want to come over?

I've known Javier since 2002. Look at my Jan 1 2008 post about Javier....that's sort of what he looked like when I met him. He's one of the first guys I played with. I remember distinctly meeting him and then going back to his apartment. "I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe this is happening," just kept going through my head.

Part of me feeling hurt because he didn't call or email to let me know he was coming. This IM at nearly midnight feels like a total booty call. I was thinking I shouldn't go meet him, but I'm weak.

Nine years has taken its toll. He has really gained a lot of weight. I feel so thin compared to him. It was good to see him again. What is it about guys from South America? They always smell so nice. It would be weird to wear so much cologne as an American.

He has to be early 40's now. Still same situation.....deeply DL. If anyone finds out it's death. I think he's in the worst situation of anyone I know -- never married, so secretive that it's almost impossible to meet someone, especially in South America.

Self Image

2011-05-13T21:56:00.003-04:00

Question:

If you grew up feeling different, and never really fit in with the other boys, how can you possibly have a positive self image and good self-esteem?

I look at how well my kids "fit in." They have lots of friends and seem to know everyone. I contrast that to my childhood and this becomes a raw wound for me. But I can't turn back time. As a kid you really don't have a lot of control over where you live and other influences in your life. No point in dwelling on this. It could have been, and turned out, far worse.

Andropause?

2011-05-09T22:20:00.002-04:00

I don't feel motivated to meet anyone right now. Not so interested in sex either. What's wrong with me?

Andropause?

Sitting here over the weekend, watching TV and surfing the net, I came across an article on the decline of testosterone males experience as they age. Testosterone levels vary widely, from 1000 ng/dl to a low of 300 ng/dl. Readings below the low end can warrant treatment with male hormone replacement therapy. I have a feeling that my testosterone levels have been on the low side. I've never had them tested, but that's my guess. Abnormally low testosterone can put you at risk for a variety of diseases and has been linked to a lower life expectancy. I'm wondering if I should ask my doctor to test my level next visit.

Just to give you an idea of how I wasted my weekend, I was watching a show about a transgender girl who became a guy. "He" had the surgeries and started hormone therapy. A nurse came to his house to give an injection every ten days. I looked at this guy and thought "holy shit, he has more of a happy trail now than I do." Maybe I should try those injections.

I'm just wondering how common it is for guys to have their testosterone level checked as part of a checkup. I know many women do hormone replacement therapy, but do guys?

Tipping Point

2011-05-08T10:40:00.002-04:00

I'm reading blogs and getting emails from married guys who are gay. They are unhappy with their situation....and facing choices and uncertainty that could turn the worlds of all around them upside down. The options, the pro, the cons....play out in their heads over and over again. They rationalize staying married, and some of their reasons are valid. It just becomes and endless do loop in your head that can drive you crazy. Middleman is perfect example right now, and 2Lives would be in this situation too.

What is the tipping point? The brink one falls over. "I can't stand it any longer." The point where a guy decides to just do it, who cares. Some guys are flung out of the closet -- usually they get caught. Internet tracks, gay porn, a naked man in the bed, whatever. For others it's a long painful process that culminates in a decision to come clean, it seems Comingoutat48 and Conflicting Clarity fall into this category. I've found that sometimes a "catalyst" in these situations is another man. T, you home wrecker! Just kidding.

Once I had a job I hated. I had a plan to quit in 15 months to go to grad school. Then a few weeks later I was sitting at my desk and the revelation that, "I just can't stand this" hit me. I redid my plans and quit the next week.

Certainly the negative ramifications of telling your wife you're a homo are far more serious. What brings someone to the breaking point where they just don't care about what anyone thinks anymore and they are willing to accept all the negatives associated with the decision? All those negatives that you said you could never deal with now seem less a big deal.

If you are a 40-something (or worse, older) guy who isn't willing to pay someone to be your boyfriend, there is a lot of risk here. You could be divorced, living a far diminished lifestyle, and searching (endlessly?) for that elusive perfect guy. I think Twolives is getting a taste of this. Being over 40 and gay can be difficult.

I met one guy five years ago who fell in love, left his wife, went through the high drama divorce, caught "the love of his life" cheating on him, broke up, and now he's been searching for the five years for a new bf. Not someone I'm interested in, btw.

There are happy endings, like Conflicting Clarity seems to be. And there are some who paint a happy picture, but I suspect reality is a little different.

What drives guys to the edge is a complicated personal thing with a thousand variables.

Out or Not

2011-05-04T05:57:00.000-04:00

The comments on my last post were a pleasant surprise. I feared people calling me a coward, living a lie, etc. I've found that gays who are out are highly intolerant of those who are not. I've met a number of discreet guys who attempted to date a guy who was totally out -- without exception it did not work. So I appreciate the supportive comments.

I was thinking a lot today about how being out would help me. In my last post I said it might help solve a some problems. The primary problem I've been discussing with my "adviser" is that I'm not in a relationship, and haven't had a long term relationship (>2 yrs) in the ten years I've been divorced. First, I'm not sure I would call this a problem. I'm not a millionaire -- is that a problem? So maybe a better way to characterize this situation is that I haven't been able to complete my life. I had many other things going on during those ten years, and it was probably four years after getting divorced before I came to accept my sexuality.

Looking at my latest encounter -- Lee. I think he likes me. However I think he wants more than I can give. For three of the last four weekends I've been otherwise occupied. Being out has nothing to do with this. I live 40 miles from him, and with gas at $4.50 neither of us wants to drive to meet up during the week. Besides, I'm busy during the week.

Lee told me he thought what I really wanted was friend with benefits -- not a relationship. He may be right.

To Out or Not to Out

2011-05-03T05:57:00.000-04:00

I get lots of advice from people. From friends, people who read this blog and others. I appreciate that others have an interest in me. I sometimes give advice too, but it's only my opinion, and I respect that in the end it's the other person's decision.

Right now one of my advisers is insisting that many of my problems will be solved if I come out. That's radical thinking for me. Outside my small circle of gay friends no one knows. One evil force in my life accused me of being gay, but that's it.

I've always rationalized to myself that there is no upside to coming out. I still don't see an upside. I don't need to get out of a marriage. I do whatever I want now. I date guys and even have dinner in public! I can't describe my life as trapped in a prison. I'm discreet.

I've been to gay bars. Not my thing and usually not my crowd. Bars in general are usually not my thing.

My family is not very receptive to gays. For the two in my family who have come out, it hasn't been a warm reception. The consensus in my family was they should have kept it to themselves.

The gays at work are the subject of gossip. I don't like that. I play my cards close to the vest. I don't volunteer a lot of information about my personal life. That's just the way I am.

I continue to not see a lot of upside.

Now we're considering whereby I meet a few friends in San Francisco for a few days, and see what it's like to be out and gay. I would like to do this. I think it will be a learning experience and chance to discuss our perspectives.

Another Weekend

2011-04-30T19:45:00.004-04:00

I'm busy doing yard work today. That's fun!

No call from Lee. I really couldn't have done anything with him anyway. But he didn't know that. I'm getting the message.

I did chat with TE. He is headed to London for most of the Summer and the Fall. He may be stopping in Toronto en route, but I doubt I'll see him. He has about nine months until school is over and back to the real world. I wonder what this 20 month hiatus accomplished in terms of life goals.

Maybe now I'll try meeting a few more people.

I've been reading with interest some postings of other bloggers about their dating anxiety and fear of rejection. Hmmm, not as easy as it looks, huh?

Part of dating is handling rejection. It used to really bother me too. Less so now. I think rejection will bother any normal person, the trick is not to let it really bother you.

I try to keep my expectations low going into any meeting. If someone blows me off, it's their loss. Because I'm a nice guy and a good friend.

What is Fun? pt II

2011-04-27T05:57:00.002-04:00

I write a post about "what is fun?" in my life. I get the feeling people are saying "what's wrong with this guy." When a month (or two, or three) goes by in your life, and you think, "I did nothing fun during that time." -- little contact with friends, no real connection with anyone....that's a problem. When you live in the corporate world it seems you can blink and suddenly realize six months of monotony has just passed by.

This is the cause of TE's midlife crisis...."10-12 hours of work everyday, and my life is going by."

That's why I need to build some more enjoyment into my life....so I don't wake up at 70 and say "wtf did I do?" Time is flying by now.

If I'm not finding what I want then maybe I need to change something in my life. Sure, I can look at what I have the ability to change. Key words: the ability to change. I'm the sole provider for my kids. I can't take off for Australia and leave them. I still need to work....after buying my lawyer a Maserati I'm stuck working a few more years. Besides, in many states in the US there is a law that says the parent with the kids cannot move more than 100 miles without permission of the court. That presents a problem for a few more years. So while a change of venue would be great, it's not going to happen right now.

Maybe I'm just too unrealistic. Finding someone close by who will just let me pop into their life for drinks, dinner, deep conversation, a movie and sex whenever I have free time may be just a pipe dream. That's probably why Lee is so tentative on me. I'd like to spend time with Lee this weekend....but guess what? Kids are with me!

Maybe I'll just join a bridge club. Works for Warren Buffet.

What's Fun?

2011-04-26T05:57:00.001-04:00

One of the things I challenged myself to do a few months ago was track what activities make me happy. Here are a few things:

Weekend with Seth....even with no sex.
Spending time with Lee. Cuddling up to him watching a movie was great. When he asked me if I was going to spend the night that was great. Spending the night clinging to his smooth body was great.
Traveling in Europe.....an adventure and change of scenery.
I had a financial success (hey, I'm just being honest)

I'm also thinking about things that should make me happy, but didn't. I had dinner my son, and he wasn't very respectful to me. I didn't enjoy that. I need to work harder at enjoying the time with my kids. I'm planning a vacation with them in June.

Examining what I like gives me insight into other things I could do that I would likely enjoy. I could take a weekend trip someplace, some big city like NY or Chicago. TE wants me to come to Hong Kong - that would be fun, but I don't think there is time this summer. I need something else besides the infrequent trips I take.

I did chat with Lee tonight. His ex was here for the weekend. That doesn't exactly send the right message to me. I suppose I can't complain too much....I just spent a weekend with my ex too.

2011-04-25T05:57:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm leading the most boring life. Everyone else's life is so much more fun than mine. Then I read about other bloggers, sitting home eating cupcakes on Saturday night or watching their kids for the weekend. It's good for me to read that stuff. Maybe my life is more normal than I think.

My Boring Weekend

2011-04-24T12:06:00.003-04:00

Here it is, noon on Sunday. My long weekend is 5/6th over. I've been by myself. I've done nothing except some laundry and cleaning. I did learn that there is practically nothing in my 150 channels of cable that I want to watch. Lee didn't call me....that's a disappointment. I'm just not interested in meeting anyone else this weekend. I had visions of doing something this weekend with Lee....like hiking or a bike trip, but it didn't work out.

Sometimes it's good to have some time to yourself. Certainly it is for me. I still have a lot of things to do this weekend. Maybe things worked out for the best, but part of me wishes things had come together.

I wish my work week went by this fast. It's like an eye blink since Thursday night, and now here I am facing Monday morning so soon. Sometimes weekends are great, and sometimes slower paced.

I did get an IM from TE this morning. He is on vacation throughout Asia, and in Bangkok today. At least someone is having an exciting weekend.

I'm really thinking hard about Lee. He did want to meet last weekend, but I was exhausted. Maybe he didn't want to talk about his plans for this weekend, so better to just have no communication. Let's see what I hear from him this week.

Almost the Weekend!

2011-04-20T19:24:00.002-04:00

One more wake up this week. I am by myself this weekend and looking forward to some relaxation. I did chat with Lee a few days ago to see what he was doing. He tells me his ex-bf might come to visit. Ugh! Why is this always so difficult?

I feel like we are doing this dance -- except we are standing two feet apart. He is tentative about me, and I probably feel the same way about him. If he was really serious about me he would have asked me what I was doing this weekend. I have an open whole in my schedule this weekend and am looking for someone to hang out with.

Is this going to be the story of my life? These kind of "tentative" relationships? Maybe Lee is looking for more than I can give him, and so I'm convenient until someone better comes along. Who knows.

Anyway, I am NOT working this weekend. A chance to recharge my batteries. And if Lee has other plans, well then maybe I'll clean my garage.

Pray the Gay Away

2011-04-17T21:56:00.003-04:00

I was just watching this Dr. Drew show called "Pray the Gay Away." He had the president of Exodus and some other guests to discuss this topic.

Wow, wouldn't this solve a lot of problems for me if it worked.

Would it really change my life that much? I wouldn't get married again anyway....been there, done that. Would my social life be better? I think I'm fundamentally antisocial anyway, so even if I was dating women I wouldn't want to socialize much.

I really don't think these programs accomplish anything but pushing desires deeper underground. Imagine being so devastated by your sexual orientation that you join a program like this, like a 12 step program to stop being gay. These people must be just torn up inside. And I wonder what this program costs? Is there a profit motive? The whole thing just seems very uncomfortable to me.

If there was a cure I'd be there. But I'm sure what's out there now isn't one.

Show me you like me

2011-04-16T06:49:00.002-04:00

I'm back home after a week of eating all different varieties of schnitzel and white asparagus. It's good to have a change of scenery for a week. Now I need to get my sleeping schedule readjusted to the US.

I haven't heard anything from Lee. No sms "hey Rob, how is your week going?" or even a "Hey, what's up?"

I know he's shy, but how about showing me some evidence that he likes me? Next time we meet I'm going to tell him that. It's really hard for me to tell if you like me. He is shy, and probably not the type to tell me directly what he thinks.

I have next weekend free, and I'm going to ask Lee if he wants to do something. Maybe go biking or hiking. In the course of our "therapy" session I'll ask what he thinks. He's like poker faced....it's hard to tell what he's thinking.

Seth was telling me that all he is looking for is a fwb. He's leaving Europe in the next 2-3 years, so why get entangled in a relationship? He is coming out of a relationship he was unhappy in, and he's disillusioned. I felt a little bad for him this time.

It makes me think hard about what I really want, and what I can realistically put into a relationship. Am I really looking for a fwb situation? I learned in the past that over time it's hard not to develop feelings for a fwb. I can hang out with Lee on some weekends, I really can't meet him during the week. Is that enough for him? Is that what he is looking for? He's coming out of a live-in relationship, maybe he wants that again. Issue to explore over the next few weeks.

Back to Work

2011-04-11T17:46:00.003-04:00

I'm in Germany on business this week. Meetings, business dinners, and a conference. I need to be focused on business. I need to "turn off" thinking about my weekend with Seth. I can control my visible emotions. It's a bit more difficult to control the emotions that aren't visible. The last time I saw him he seemed stressed and serious. This time he seems disillusioned...telling me he doesn't want another relationship...just fwb's....no attachment. It seemed kind of sad.

He's also gained some weight. We wear the same size pants (I brought him some Levis), except his are tight. "You better never call me fat," I told him. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, but he did tease me before. Give me 4-5 weeks. Let me talk to Lee. I need to talk to Lee.

30 Hours with Seth

2011-04-10T15:03:00.010-04:00

I just spent the weekend with my ex, Seth...in Würzburg, Germany. It just happened to be in a convenient location for both of us. I hadn't seen him in eighteen months, so it was good to see him again. It was fun for both of us to be exploring a new place. We climbed a steep hill to a 12th century fortress and the next day visited the huge palace of the Prince Bishop of Würzburg.

The last time I saw him -- in Frankfurt -- it was with his new bf. He broke up with his bf in January, so this time it was just him. He said little about that relationship, except that it stressed him and he was glad it was over. Spending the weekend with your ex -- what's the protocol for that? When you're sharing a room and sleeping eight inches from him (the double room I ordered was actually two single beds pushed together)? There was no sex....and neither of us tried to initiate anything.

I know it's over long ago, but I still have some feelings for him. It was hard for me to understand the feelings I had after we parted....hard for me to describe exactly. Can you be friends with a former lover? I remember reading a post Single Guy did where he said he could not be. I can understand why that would be true if you were in a relationship that ended on a negative note. If it was just sex that didn't turn into anything, maybe there's an awkward feeling of not knowing where each other stands.

He said he will visit me in the US next year, and he suggested that the next time I'm in Germany we meet in Berlin. So the weekend went well. But I miss what I had with him, and I'm frustrated that almost three years later I haven't been able to re-create it.

Changing my Name?

2011-04-06T23:32:00.002-04:00

I'm thinking I need to change my blogging name. There are a lot of intimate details here of my life and escapades. Since there are only four people named "Rob" in the US, there's just too much risk you guys could identify and "out" me.

I need another blogging name that's more common. "Richard" is now taken. Maybe I should use "Bill"? No, not common enough. Any suggestions?

It Comes Quickly

2011-04-05T22:17:00.002-04:00

Someone left me a comment asking if Lee and I had sex yet.

Duh!

Do you think I spent the night with him and nothing happened? Well maybe I should ask how sex is defined. Maybe I really didn't have sex yet.

One thing about the interaction of gay guys. Sex happens quickly. I think much faster than with straight couples. Sex on the first date happens more often than not I think. The fact that sex usually happens so quickly can complicate things.