Traveling

Looks like I'll be in Germany next month. Seth had told me back in November that he was planning to spend most of March at his parent's house in Asia. So we may not connect when I'm there.

Spending sometime with him would be cool. I can handle that. I don't think I want to do it if his boyfriend is along. If I was there with my own "friend" I could handle it better. I just don't like being by myself with Seth and his bf. Just feels somewhat awkward for me. His bf is very nice.....both of them were great to me when we met in October. But the hardest part of that trip was at the end of the day watching Seth and his bf go to their hotel room, and me going alone to mine.

It's crazy to think I could bring a friend on one of my business trips to Europe. Once I go into work mode its 7am to after 11pm every day. How could I bring someone just for the 48 hours on the front end?

I'm not totally decided yet. Maybe he won't be there anyway so problem solved. In the meantime I need to work on getting my own new "friend."

Friend in Need

A friend wants me to come to Toronto to spend the weekend with him. It's a cool city and it would be nice to spend some time there with a native. I can't go right now....too busy....but probably March.

The reality is he's having a mid-life crisis at age 34 and needs someone to talk to. A weekend of psychotherapy from Rob....all gratis. He tells me he likes the way I think, analyze and solve problems.

He's 34 and tells me that he, "is not making life progress." He wants a partner and kids. The clock is ticking and he has neither. He feels like the rest of his life will be a repeating daily cycle of wake up, go to work, come home, waste time, go to bed.....repeat...repeat....repeat. Something needs to change.

He really wants me to come this month...but I can't....booked this month. Also have a trip to Europe in March penciled in....that will probably consume two weekends. Hoping I can make it in March.

It'll be good for me too....I need to get out of town....and Toronto is fun...and I definitely need some fun....and there's a cool gay scene to explore.

A Note

I just got an email out of the blue from this guy I dated briefly like four years ago. He was a PhD student in engineering.....got sidetracked and fell out of the program. Now he's working in California. He just was wondering how I was, and told me what a nice guy I am and he enjoyed being with me. Nice note....I appreciate that. I tend to stay friends with people....no "I hate you" endings.

He also told me he had a rough time for a while after leaving here. No significant other yet. "I'm older now...no one wants me," he said. Older? He can't be more than like 34 or 35. That's old? I think maybe he has a different perspective now...maybe a change in what he is looking for in a guy.

Nice that he remembered me.

Looking for this Guy

You may recognize this guy.....Dr. George Huang, MD....forensic psychiatrist on Law & Order. Just watching the show the other night I thought this guy is exactly my type. Intellectual Asian guy.....the type I get along with so well.

And he's actually gay.....both in real life and on the show!

The actor, B.D. Wong is 50 years old and grew up in San Francisco. He looks good for 50....I could believe late 30's. He and is partner arranged to have a child using a surrogate mother and Wong's sperm. Unfortunately the two later broke up and now they share custody of the child.

Like I've said before.....this is the type of guy I seem to click with very well. This guy....Dr. Huang.....is what I'm looking for.

Reconnect with Javier

I finally connected with Javier on Friday night. Had not seen him in almost a year.

I'm searching for the right adjective here....an this is my blog, so I can be blunt if I want. So here it is: chubby. Javier has put on some weight in his old age. Just the thing I work so hard to avoid. I scurried to the gym yesterday and ran five miles just thinking about it. I'm at 38 miles month to date. He doesn't think about the fitness thing like I do....so it's probably all down hill from here.

He does have a fwb back home. He was telling me how his "friend" was hanging out at his house. And all of a sudden his parents show up. He was panicked. Then his mom started questioning him intensely and it turned into an argument. "Having another guy at your house," she said, "What will the neighbors think?"

I felt bad for him. It just seems ridiculous. He can't have a guy friend visit? I really could give a fuck what people "suspect." Unless they catch me with a live "boy" in my bed then they don't know shit. And that's not going to happen. But apparently Javier really cares what people think. So he and his friend now must meet somewhere else...never at his house anymore.

What a life. Horrible. I told him he needs to move out of that country.

No success on my mission. He was "too tired" to go out and do anything. If I can't succeed with that then I'll just be spending very little time with him.

Why Come Out?

I was talking with a friend about coming out....the pro's, the con's, and why people decide to come out.

I think the biggest motivators are support from friends and falling in love. I don't really think about totally coming out because I don't see an upside to it.....and I do see a lot of potential downside. However, when I was with Seth, and thinking it might turn into something longer term, and even thinking about him moving in with me.....then I seriously thought about coming out and the ramifications. But I didn't care.....I was in love......and that's a powerful motivator.

Not being totally out drives some guys crazy....literally to mental illness....and they have to come out. I don't feel like that at all....I do whatever I want with my gay friends, but I sure don't advertise the fact that I'm gay. I'm not meeting people by cover of darkness and sneaking around covertly. Some guys are so paranoid about being seen with another guy....so what! Just because two guys are together doesn't mean they're gay.

Sometime in the future....I will have more time to devote to meeting guys....and I'll find someone.....and fall in love. And that will be the motivation to be more out.

I just think it's hard when you are a forty-something, formerly married guy with kids who is straight acting....to suddenly announce that you're gay. It's more of a shocker. If you are early 20's it's less of a big deal. And it's so much easier to be gay now....it's almost cool to be gay. People are more accepting. At 20 I don't think I even realized I was gay.

Seth's new bf has been totally out since like 16 years old. He said family support made all the difference for him. But even so he has experienced a lot of discrimination and hateful comments. If I had come out at 16 I would have been thrown in the street.....no question in my mind.....so probably a good thing that I didn't. Even Eddie was telling me that he doesn't want to come out to his parents....they won't take it well, and since they are supporting him through law school best not to tell them until he no longer needs their financial support. So smart that Eddie!

Seth just came out to his father last summer.....but his father insists that no one else in the family be told. He most certainly did it for love.....he wouldn't have otherwise.

It seems like most...really nearly all...of my gay friends are discreet. George...who I met a few months ago. Just got an email from him that after spending Christmas with his family he went to LA to ring in the New Year at a gay club and then sunbathe nude on New Year's day. Two new friends are also 'discreet'. I would say that these guys are my type....can see them becoming friends.

Anyway....I feel like the situation now works for me.....so why change it?

Small Pool of Candidates

Everytime I look on Craiglist there are probably ten ads from the same people...they post basically the same ad at least once a day. Everytime I go on gay.com at least ten or twenty of the people are the same ones who are always there.

Sometimes when I do run into someone online who looks interesting...I realize, gee, I know this person from some time in the past. Already have met them and for some reason we either didn't click or just never met.

There really is a small pool of candidates....10% at best right? And I feel like I've been through all of them in my city. I know that's not possible, but it feels that way sometimes. Maybe it's time to move to another city....and start all over.